A Mayan Proposal

To the Mayans who never finished constructing their calendar,

First, let me start off by saying that you guys are stirring up quite a hullabaloo. Your laziness has spawned controversy, prophecies, and shitty movies, all while highlighting the idiocy of the human race. People are calling December 21, 2012 the “end of the world”, the “apocalypse”, and “my birthday.” People like that are being overly superstitious, obnoxious, pretentious, stupid, idiotic, etc., and it’s really starting to irk me. You need to fix it.

Before I continue ranting, I have a few questions to ask all of you. Let’s begin with this: Why did you make such a long calendar? Your civilization died out around nearly 500 years before your calendar did (oops, spoiler)! Why on earth would you need to look that far in the future? The majority of you had plenty of your problems to deal with (those pesky conquistadores were just the beginning), and yet, you took the time to extend the calendar way longer than you’d ever need it. I don’t even buy enough toilet paper to last me a month, let alone 500 years. Secondly, why didn’t you communicate with the Greeks or the Romans on your calendar set up? If you were such an “advanced society”, maybe you would have let rest of the world know you were going to finish the calendar on December 21, 2012. Send a letter, get in contact with those toga dudes ? I heard pigeon mail was becoming quite the hit in your days. Take the blinders off, and think a little!

To the supervisor of the Mayan calendar venture, I have some complaints that need filing. Firstly, one of your scribes either got lazy, got laid off, or died of the plague, because your project has found a definite end. Your calendar stops precariously on a random day during some asinine year in the future, and none of us have any idea why! Now, if you intended the calendar to end on that specific day, due to some cataclysmic world event that will shatter life as we know it, then please give us a little notice, some sign that you meant it that way. That’s a detail you want to add to a calendar, just like a birthday, or an anniversary.

To the leader of the Mayans, the head honcho, those complaints above apply to you as well! You seem to have no problem organizing virgin sacrifices or assaults on nearby villages, but leaving your calendar unfinished? Come on. The modern world is counting on your skills to lead your people, and we’re also counting on your ability to count! We modern folk aren’t smart enough to create our own calendar, now that we’ve been copying you all for so long. I don’t care if you realized 500 extra years on the calendar is unnecessary ? you need to finish what you start. Nowadays, if a problem occurs, we blame the leader; I didn’t make that rule, I’m just copying everyone else.

Overall, Mayans, I just want you to be more responsible when it comes to making such a pivotal calendar. If you had enough foresight to be able to construct a calendar 500 extra years, you should have known that us modern folks would rely on it! Why was there no communication with the other intelligentsia of the world? How come the Greeks and Romans didn’t end their calendar on the same day? Because y’all are lying to us! Don’t be taking shortcuts, Mayans; you need to finish what you start.

However, I cannot finish drafting this letter yet, as I am indisposed at the moment, stocking my underground bunker with toilet paper. Hopefully it’ll last as long as you guys did.

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