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Revenge of the Mascots This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine.

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What happens the day Mickey Mouse finally cracks? When he grabs that little kid by the pants – the one who's been pulling his tail all day – and punts him down Main Street USA? Would the magic of Disney be lost forever? Probably. Parents would no longer buy their children Disney toys, the Disney channel would be banned (“too violent”), and Disney theme parks would crumble. A corporate empire would vanish. All because of one ratty little mouse.

Such responsibility is shared by the big-headed mascots of all types and professions. Take for instance the cute little buffalo at the local baseball stadium – the one my younger brother pulled down by the tail because he ignored requests for a high five. If that furry fellow had turned around and chucked my brother into the bullpen, I would not have been surprised. But instead, he chose to ignore the taunts and walk away passively. He saved the business. But I was disappointed.

Which brings me to another point. Mascots are terribly abused. Everyone wants to see Daffy Duck get punched, and the amount of slime that accumulates on Winnie the Pooh from drooling babies must be enormous. Job satisfaction? I think not.

Thus, we must address the pressing question (a question not of if but when): What will happen the day the mascots go on strike? The mere thought – thousands of distraught, furry creatures stampeding through major cities, not allowed to speak but wholly prepared to trample – terrifies me. And will we be able to reason with them? Come to think of it, are they even human?

The zombie apocalypse is nothing compared to this imminent disaster brewing in our stadiums and theme parks, our car lots and TV studios. The errant Mayan calendar and the creeping undead are merely a sideshow to the main act: sheer doom that dances merrily before our eyes. The mascots will rise. They will conquer. And they will be smiling.

This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.




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This article has 14 comments. Post your own now!

kmeep said...
Feb. 6, 2013 at 7:38 am
I love this. It could be a movie :D
 
L7SquariaN This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Nov. 23, 2012 at 11:12 am
Yes, yes, and another yes for good measure. 5/5
 
Imaginedangerous This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 13, 2012 at 5:52 pm
I love the ominousness of the endin:. '...And they will be smiling.' Cue creepy music! :D
 
ScienceLover said...
Apr. 2, 2012 at 8:42 pm
I really enjoyed your article. I have one comment about the "buffalo". It's a "bison". I realize how insane this sounds but I live really close to you and I learned this when I made the same mistake.
 
Loki17 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Apr. 13, 2012 at 6:31 pm
Good Point.  Where do you live?
 
KestrelThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Jun. 6, 2012 at 4:48 pm
actually, from what ive seen (i have a lot of family in colorado-home to thousands of buffalo/bison) they use both terms interchangably, so both are correct. generally, when eating it, it's bison however, like steak=cow. 
 
danceonwater said...
Dec. 12, 2011 at 11:45 am
The thought of Mickey Mouse punting any little kid down the street frightens me; although it would probably scare the little kid even more. This was very funny; write more!
 
UNserieswriter said...
Dec. 9, 2011 at 4:31 pm
Youre certainly origianl! good work here. mickey is a scary guy when angry if youve ever played kingdom hearts
 
Eastep said...
Dec. 6, 2011 at 4:20 pm

The thought of a horde of mascots charging down a street in and of itself had me laughing.

I haven't read a good, humorous article in a long while, so please, write more.

 
mbrown106 said...
Nov. 30, 2011 at 7:52 pm
As someone who has been in the furry suit, I completely appreciate this!
 
Resonating_Words said...
Nov. 28, 2011 at 7:50 pm

XD This made me lol, I kid you not.

 

You know how some kids are scared of mascots, and cry when they come near? I know that they get some sort of satisfaction from that, you have to find it somewhere in that job.

Delightful idea.

 
sweetheart2598 said...
Nov. 24, 2011 at 4:30 pm
I love this it is so funny
 
Donahue8 said...
Nov. 22, 2011 at 2:28 pm
Interesting idea, but the ideas need to flow a little more. It seems more like randome thoughts thrown together, but the concept is cool!
 
Loki17 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Nov. 22, 2011 at 5:19 pm

I think you're taking this too seriously.  I did this for a laugh- it has only slight literary value.

 

 
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