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Cell Phones: Protection Against the Harmful Effects of Education This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

By , Cedar Hills, UT
Nothing is more useful than a cell phone. They are, without a doubt, the most useful things ever invented. They can text, chat, email, IM, and send voice messages; all the while serving as a medium through which to get the word on the latest hot gossip: who's dating whom, who said what to whom, who's dating whom, who's going to the dance, who cheated on whom, who is where and why and for how long, who's dating whom, and literally several more reasons. With the irrefutable facts stated above, no one in their right mind could ever possibly believe the lie that teenagers are dependent--without good reason--upon cell phones.

Ask any hip teenager what their favorite possession is and why, and they will tell you, "I'd be so uncool without a cell phone." I'd bet studies have shown that kids who are capable of focusing on the whiteboard instead of their cell phone screens (frequently referred to as "geeks", "nerds", or "social hermits") are much more likely to be successful after high school. What they don't realize is that high school is a time to live in the moment, be reckless, enjoy yourself, and make decisions you'll heavily regret later. And those kids won't know anything that actually matters because they were too busy paying attention and learning about anti differentiation or sub harmonic oscillations or whatever, things they argue are "useful." But if there's one thing I've learned from being a life long cool kid, it would be something everyone who's anyone knows: education just isn't useful.

There are socially suicidal implications given by paying attention or in classes. "I wouldn't be caught dead without a cell phone, man. I need to be using one 24/7 in order to be considered top-tier cool. How could I be accepted by my peers, which is obviously what constitutes happiness and a good self-image, if I started showing common respect towards my superiors?" asks the wise Colby "Coolby" Ketcher, amidst necessary random spurts of profanity and time-saving intentionally mispronounced words. Coolby is relating what I'm sure would be an accurate description of most modern teenagers' self concept. I myself have taken 4 hours to get to this point in my paper, taking gossip breaks every twenty minutes in order to not be seen as too on-task or serious about my education and therefore uncool.

Being accepted is the one thing in this world you can hope to make you happy in the long term. Nothing else matters as much, or ever will. Especially education. Take it from my main man JJ Cool Ice Daddy: "School ain't cool, and yearning for learning is just plain wack." As such, harmful dependence on cell phones is a juicy, logically fallacious rumor. One probably started by jealous social hermits.





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This article has 3 comments. Post your own now!

Your mom said...
Apr. 22, 2010 at 2:55 pm
Your so right! I just got a new cell phone, now someone in school accually noticed me! Now I can sit at home all day talking, instead of being outside were nothing ever happens. I think that I will now start practicing at driving and texting, like all of those cool kids do.
 
Biscoff said...
Apr. 13, 2010 at 2:33 pm

srysly dude... really... you think thats how it is. you see in the "REAL" world if you dont have a cell phone nobody really cares. and really  dude jj cool ice daddy... i laugh at your ignorance! and just so you know a geek is a video gamer, a nerd is a kid who never becomes social(even after-school) and a social hermit  i dont even know a single person who has ever said that. 

I AM PROUD TO BE A GEEK 

 
Sunshineyday replied...
Apr. 24, 2010 at 3:12 pm
I don't think you undestood, man. This article was a satire. The author doesn't really MEAN all this. It is a parody of current pop culture as it relates to the average teenager. or,  At least that's how I interpret it.
 
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