Of Chainsaw Hands and Jumanji | Teen Ink

Of Chainsaw Hands and Jumanji

December 3, 2018
By Doctor-Gonzo SILVER, San Pedro, California
Doctor-Gonzo SILVER, San Pedro, California
8 articles 0 photos 0 comments

Favorite Quote:
"When the going gets weird the weird turn pro." Hunter S. Thompson


King Kong. Wow what a concept you know? I like how that was America’s big movie monster. We were like “Let’s make a movie where a giant gorilla falls in love with some lady then falls off a building.” BOOM instant box office success which spawned 7 movies. 2 of which were remakes and reboots. But guess what??? Japan said “Alright, I’ll see your 7 monkey movies and raise you 32 GODZILLA MOVIES! AND ALMOST ALL OF THEM INTRODUCE A NEW COOLER MONSTER THAN YOUR DONKEY KONG. ONE OF WHICH IS A GOLDEN THREE HEADED DRAGON AND A CRYSTALLINE VERSION OF OUR ORIGINAL MONSTER.” Yeah I guess I’m a little biased.


The ocean freaks me out, not in a “OH GOD I’M GONNA DROWN” way. More of a “OH GOD THERE’S A CTHULLHU MONSTER UNDER ME AND I’M GONNA DIE” kinda way. Can you blame me though?? The ocean is gigantic, who knows what’s down there. I don’t and I never want to know.


You know what would be cool? If the game Jumanji was real. Not the video game one with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, I’m talking about the original one with good ol’ Robbie Williamson. I know what you’re thinking, “UUUUUUHHHH WOULDN’T YOU DIE CAUSE OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS AND PLANTS??????” you say because you’re an idiot and your 3rd dimensional brains can’t handle my 12th dimension ideas. I would obviously have to get prepared first. I would one of those gigantic hunting knives, a baseball bat with nails in it, and some kind of armor. Then, if anything tried to kill me like a lion, I would just bash it’s head in with the bat. Or if it was monkey’s I would slit their tiny throats with the knife. And after my jungle adventure, I would sell it to a pawnshop.


In the event of a car crash and I lose my right arm the doctors are to put a chainsaw where my right hand used to be. And if it’s my left arm, the doctors are to put in a Winter Soldier type arm where my left arm used to be. And if it’s both arms then the doctors do the chainsaw thing and Winter Soldier thing then.


Cool Crossover Idea’s: Finding Nemo and Jaws, What’s Happening and Fat Albert, Sonic the Hedgehog and Pokemon, Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure and Dragonball, Tom Holland Spider-Man and Daredevil,


But that would be cool right? If even for an episode, MCU Spider-Man did a crossover with Daredevil. Like you get nice young innocent Spider-Man who’s all happy and smiley team up with dark gritty and blind Daredevil. Here’s a scene idea: Spider-Man and Daredevil fight a group of thugs. Spider-Man webs one to a wall and kicks another guy into a garbage can. He turns around to see if Daredevil needs any help and is horrified to see him covered in blood curb stomping a guy while karate punching another dude in the back of the head. I think it would be pretty cool.


Hammerhead Sharks are the coolest sharks and you can’t change my mind. I mean, look at them they’ve got that cool looking head. That’s all I got I just think they’re neat.


Imagine this if you will. It’s a dark cold night and you’re walking home, but it’s taking to long so you decide to take a shortcut down a secluded alley. As you’re walking you notice someone’s walking towards you, their short and appear stocky. You keep walking and he keeps getting closer. Then he stops right in front of you. In the dim street light you are horrified to see he’s actually a skeleton! He looks to you and says “Get ready to have a bad time.”, as his left eye glows blue and “Megalovania” starts playing. You then realize who’s about to attack you… OH GOD IT’S SANS UNDERTALE!!!


The author's comments:

JFK shot first.


Similar Articles

JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 0 comments.