How To Keep Up With the Kardashians

October 8, 2013
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In this fast-paced day and age, it can be nearly impossible to keep track of the daily spiels and snafus of our favorite socialites. I mean, there are just so many drama-rich shows available to us instantly - from a plethora of gossipy “Real Housewives” to a smorgasbord of “Top Chefs,” we are never without the stars we love to hate. And believe you me, I am just as addicted as the rest of the population to those eight-hour marathons of “America’s Next Top Model” streamed on Oxygen once a week (is it just me, or do none of the models actually go on to do anything of grandeur? And Tyra Banks, we all know A. that isn’t your real hair, and B. that time you yelled at Tiffany for rolling her eyes was TOTALLY scripted.) Although there exists a lengthy list of boisterous brats and dumb-as-a-doorknob d-bags, one family rules over them all, and they are known as Kris, Kim, Khloe, Kourtney, Kendall, Kylie, Rob, Bruce, Brody, Penelope, Mason, and most recently, North West. You all know who I am talking about: the Kardashians. And if you are at all familiar with the antics of the most publicized (and potentially most terrifying) family in America, you know that it can be very challenging to keep up. So, move over Cosmopolitan, cause it’s my turn to teach these readers How To Keep Up With the Kardashians.

The first and most important way to keep up is by polishing your appearance. Do me a favor right now and run to one of your six walk-in closets (if you don’t have six walk-in closets, I strongly suggest you install them before you complete the next step or all authenticity will be lost.) Pull out every single article of clothing and organize everything into two big piles. The first pile should be entirely made up of black, grey, and white clothing. The second pile contains everything else. Take that second pile and burn it. Just drop a match right it the middle and let nature take care of the rest! Since we’ve eliminated any clothing with color on it, you now have the perfect monochromatic wardrobe that would make even a penguin envious. Gee, would you look at the time - time to discuss hair, that is! It is a rule that you MUST have long, dark hair and it MUST be consistently styled perfectly. Every six months or so, you may feel an impulse to dye your hair a really unnatural shade of blonde - follow that impulse! However, you can only keep it for a week. Dye it back to its signature ebony with subtle caramel highlights ASAP. Now, if any of you ever want to cut your hair short, crush that desire immediately - there can only be one Kris. Speaking of Kris, have you ever wondered how she masks her lady-stache and prune-esque wrinkles just like magic? Well, it’s simple. Every Kardashian knows the three Cs of makeup: cake, conceal, and cry. Cake on as much foundation and powder as possible until your skin appears as smooth as Bruce’s freshly waxed butt. Conceal any dark circles or puffy eyelids with enough smoky eyeshadow and black liner to paint a moderately-sized ceramic pig. Cry to bring moisture back to any dry patches on your face (Kim is a MASTER at this. It is truly humbling to watch. Her skin must make doves cry.) Readers, are you feeling confident in your ability to Keep Up on a superficial level? If so, feel free to move on to...

Step Two: make bank! If you are a man, you’d best be hauling your perky rear into law school. You are a hopeless case if you are not a millionaire by the age of thirty. So it’s whatever. If you are a woman, you know what you have to do: marry hella rich. Once you’ve flushed financial troubles down the theoretical toilet and popped out a few kids, feel free to cheat on your husband with hotter rich guys. Don’t even bother about being that secretive about it - heck, go ahead and write a book in thirty years and mention who was involved in your affairs! You’ll receive buckets of money from your divorce and still have custody over your kids so you can dress them in matching “K” sweaters. It’s a win-win and it’s totally worth it, I promise!

Style? Check. Money? Check. What’s missing? Fame, of course! This piece of the puzzle is a no-brainer; you just have to be okay with a little degradation. But you can’t be successful without being a little skeezy, right? Well, the ultimate commitment to Keeping Up requires finding the nearest mediocre rapper on the rise and letting him film you doing anything he pleases in the bedroom. Make sure the tape goes viral and your man candy feels genuinely pleased about that fact. Once everyone knows your name, allow your family to surf the wave of publicity and attention. Eventually, you will score your own television show with dozens of spin-offs! You can even take the liberty of exploiting your uber-cute kids all over American media. Said American media will also know every detail of your steamy relationships with various basketball players, and how to fix the problems you’re having (Kourtney’s not wearing her ring? Gasp, the scandal) so it’s like free marriage counseling! Picture it now: the glamorous nail polish endorsements, the millions of likes on Instagram, the tumblr-ing of your flawless, underage thigh gap... It would be a dream come true. And in the wise words of Khloe Kardashian, “I love JLo’s Song ‘On The Floor!’ Dance party!!!”

Well, lovers and friends, I hope you all begin your journeys as Keeper-Uppers With the Kardashians. The going can get rough, but it is important to persevere. Never give up hope that you could be the next “K” to walk through the pearly gates of Hollywood.

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