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Suck on This

“Bella, I’ll do anything to protect you…” Edward’s “velvet and angelic” voice murmured seriously, as his ice-cubed bony hand stroked Bella, the-girl-with-the-terrible-taste’s, burnt brown hair.

“I love you,” she exclaimed, exasperated as they basically swallowed each other’s faces.

“Oh shut up!” my best friend, Olivia, shrieked at the TV as she gorged down the ultimate movie snack of popcorn, M & M’s and splattered butter. Bits of popcorn fell to the floor in her rage. “Bella is an idiot!”
“TEAM JACOB!”I chant, joining in with the banter as I throw the fluffy pillow across the room, to slam against the TV, right at Edward’s “perfect jaw line”.
Jacob is a much better choice than Edward. First of all, Jacob is fun and amusing to be around, while Edward is plain old boring. Furthermore, Jacob can provide a better life for Bella, unlike Edward. Last, but not least, Jacob’s just the better choice of guy. Personally, if your boyfriend sparkles, I would be a little concerned…
“No Bella, don’t do anything reckless,” Edward commanded. “No Bella, it’s for your own safety,” he instructed. “No Bella, you have to be careful.” Edward insisted. Blah-blibbity-blah-blah-blah. Some people think that nonsense is romantic...please. Yeah you might say that he loves her and that he wants her to be safe and all that other mushy gushy stuff, but isn’t it a little over kill? I mean, come on, the girl needs some breathing room! Edward is constantly on Bella’s back basically dictating the poor girl. The sad part is she acts like he’s putting her on top of the world. “We could ride motorcycles, go cliff diving, or just do something stupid,” jokes Jacob nonchalantly as he and Bella stroll down the deserted Quilete beaches. Edward barely lets Bella see Jacob, but every time she’s with him her shoulders feel a little lighter, a smile emerges on her lips, and all her worries dissipate. Wouldn’t you rather be with a guy that rids you of all your anguish than a guy that’s always stressful and causing anxiety? When Bella is flying through the pavement, her hair whipping behind her in the wind, as she hits accelerate on the motorcycle peddle, she has ten times more delight than she has when she’s with Edward. What is she thinking? Edward is always sullen and worrying about something going on, while Jacob is easy going, flashing a crooked smile that always brightens your day. You know what they all say (besides Dennis Duffin of course) it’s better to look at that glass half full than half empty.
“Change me!” Bella pleads.
“No.” Edward replies
“Change me!” she gushes.
“No.” Edward responds.

That’s basically the plot of every book and every movie and everything going on in Twilight. All Bella wants is to become a blood sucker herself, but good-old-control-freak-Edward-for-you denies every single time. And then, what do you know, somehow in the last book, guess what Bella becomes?! Shocking right? She’s a soul less monster, wandering the depths of the earth, never to age, and always starving, her throat burning, for her A-positive juice. That’s what Edward gave her. What a wonderful life...if that’s what you want to call it. If Bella had just chosen Jacob, her heart would have still been beating, her flesh would not be so cold, and her soul would not be long forgotten. She’s always so depressed that she’ll never get to see her family, since she’d be too tempted to, you know, rip their heads off and suck their bodies dry, but if she had just chosen Jacob she wouldn’t have to worry about that. Free to visit Charlie and Renee, free to age, and free to live life, look at all she could have had. One day, she could have been sitting in a rocking chair by Jacob’s side, their hair gray, their faces wrinkly, and their hands brittle, clasped around each other, while watching their grandchildren play. But since she’s with Edward she’s frozen in time as a lifeless demon, unable to go through the beautiful process we like to call life. It makes perfect sense…Bella would rather throw everything away for one guy, than be with one that could provide her with everything.

Tan, smooth, warm skin. Dark, soft, silky hair. Abbs, abbs, and more abbs. The person I am describing, my friend, could make a god look bad. His heavenly stature, looks, and personality make the angles sing. Just one glance, one touch, one word and your heart will melt. Let me tell you right now, this person is most certainly not Edward. No, Edward is completely opposite, what with his flaky, pale, cold skin. Plain, brown, oddly-styled hair. And his super imposed hairy abbs. Is Bella blind? Is she sensible? Does the cat got her tongue, because, honey, her taste in guys is atrocious. I know, I know, that made no sense, but I’m trying to make a point here. Bella went for the hideous over the hunk. She went for the repulsive over the remarkable. She chose Mr. Wrong over Mr. Right. Can she be any more of an imbecile. “He’s so perfect,” she muses to herself, as she gazes at the glittering body of a killer. Not to mention that his “flawless” self is a mere one hundred and eight years old. He’s like a grimy pedophile, so “in love” with Bella, who’s only seventeen. I guess Edward didn’t get the looks in the family, but Jacob sure did.
Ultimately, howling is the new love song, and Jacob the werewolf is the Michael Buble in everyone’s hearts. Unlike Edward who is the Lil Wayne when it comes to “love.” Jacob is a much better choice than Edward. First and foremost, he’s not the same-old-same-old arid person that Edward is. Moreover, Bella could have lived a full, long, and meaningful life is she had just chosen him. Lastly, Edward is a mere 1 while Jacob breaks the hot scale. “I’ll never leave you Bella.” Edward mutters his glossy lips pressed against her ear. Well, then what do you know, in the next scene of New Moon, Edward is smooching her good bye whispering, “You’ll never see me again.” He just leaves her there, standing in the middle of the green curtains of foliage, no where close to home. Who do you think saves her? Jacob. There are days of depression, months of moping, and years of yearning for Edward. Only Jacob can cure her sickness. Only Jacob can turn that frown upside down. Only Jacob can, the one she truly belongs with.




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