Crazy Cryptid Time | Teen Ink

Crazy Cryptid Time

March 14, 2019
By Doctor-Gonzo SILVER, San Pedro, California
Doctor-Gonzo SILVER, San Pedro, California
8 articles 0 photos 0 comments

Favorite Quote:
"When the going gets weird the weird turn pro." Hunter S. Thompson

When I was a kid, I loved cryptids. Shows like Monster Quest and Destination Truth were my shit. But as I got older I found that there were other monsters besides the ones everyone knows. And it’s really weird. Like the Oklahoma Octopus which is, and I’m not joking, a horse sized octopus that drowns and eats people in a lake in Oklahoma. This must be a truly monstrous being to live in an environment where a normal octopus would die. Then there’s the Florida Skunk Ape, which is just a Bigfoot that smells like rotting garbage. Next is the Pope Lick Monster from Kentucky, a goat/human hybrid that supposedly kills its victims with an ax. You’d think a goat man would come up with a more goat themed way of killing someone. But that’s not all because next is Trunko from South Africa. This thing apparently looks like a giant polar bear with an elephant’s trunk that could leap 20 plus feet into the air. I swear I’m not making any of these up. In from the Rio Grande Valley comes Big Bird who quit Sesame Street and became a giant ape-faced bird. We’ve also got Owlman, not the DC character, but instead the Mothman’s less popular British cousin. That’s the weirdest ones I could find due to my deep research of looking up “weird cryptids” on Google. (that last sentence was sponsored by Google)

I know a lot of people believe in this kind of stuff and I kinda do, the water one’s more because it just seems more plausible to me. But the ones like Bigfoot I don’t believe because NOBODY HAS EVER GOTTEN THE DARN THING ON CAMERA. It’s a gorilla on two legs how hard is it to get a quick picture on your phone. It’s like your friend asking you to take a picture of them from three feet away, and when they get the photo back it’s all blurry and shit. At least with stuff in the water or that flies it makes sense that you can’t get a good look at it. But Bigfoot is just some hairy dumbass walking in the woods eating his own feces.

God I hate Mothman. It’s just a giant moth and moths, in my opinion, are the grossest insect on the planet. That’s all I just really hate moths.

The author's comments:

I'm back by unpopular demand.

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