Dear the Boy I Used to Know,

April 8, 2018
By , denton, TX

Dear the Boy I used to Know,

 

A substational amount of time has passed, and I finally believe I can clearly state how I feel about you and everything that happened with us. At the time it occured there was so much going on within myself that I'm sure I could not convey exactly what I meant or felt because even I was not sure what that was. The honesty in which I will bring with my expression of these feelings may not be exactly nice or what you want to hear and thats perfectly fine. However, I will not apologize for stating it, or how I feel about this or you anymore, as I've come to realize I should never have apologized for ever feeling what I did in the first place. I'll start off though by saying I do not hate you, and never will I ever hate you, because honestly no matter what you do I'll never be able to forget the amount of love I have had for you. So far you are the one and only person I've ever been in love with. Don't worry though I'm no longer IN love with you though, but simply have affection for. You brought out a side in me I never even dreamed of having and made me believe in a love I thought I would only ever find in a book. It was an intoxicating feeling, one that to this day I'm scared I'll never find again. I loved you with everything I had, and most importantly for me I trusted you. I understand we were very young and that maybe we should have never been together in the first place but I still at times cannot wrap my head around how you were okay with how it all came to an end. The first time I understand I pushed you far away and I realized my mistake there and I most definitelty learned from it. You, on the other hand brought a downfall on the final ending on us so tremendously that there was and never will be a way in which we can ever recover that relationship or even our friendship. I needed you more than I ever could imagine in those last six months and you mentally and physically checked out on me and left me there in my own chaos to drown. I begged and pleaded with you in hope that you would understand I was mentally losing myself and you ignored me and cast me off to go on living like everything was fine. I became only a priority when it was convenient for you and that was NOT okay. I shouldn't have allowed it but I couldn't imagine beinging alone and that absolutely terrified me. I saw every warning sign there was and yet I still prayed we would make it through but day by day I saw those chances fade away and I finally realized once I finally couldn't take it anymore what I wanted. My second greatest fear next to being alone without you was that you would come to hate me.I saw it happening the amount of anger and slight resentment you would give me for holding you back from going off and being an idiot kid like all your friends because I was growing up and you were still holding onto the youth of being a teen for a while longer. I thought the best option was to let you go, like the saying," If you love something set it free." I didn't want you to hate me so I thought it was the most selfless thing I could do by allowing you to be happy. Of course it had the opposite affect, and you saw me as giving up, when in reality I still loved you so much. You being you though are a person who cannot be alone and found yourself solace in the companionship of the worst possible choice I could imagine. It was then that I knew I could never forgive you, and there that I questioned every promise and I love you. I believed you to be a fraud and a liar and honestluy to this day I still do. You've left a scar on my heart, one I know only time can heal. 






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