If I Could Honestly Tell You Everything I Want

October 8, 2017
By Anonymous

It would never come out nice. Somehow, in the amount of time it takes me to think of how to express what I feel you would take something out of context, or the context itself as I said would not be nice. I would never intentionally wish to make you feel bad although,I know I have done so before. Once the words leave my mouth I instantly regret them, and I feel awful but it comes out anyway because I want to hurt you just as bad as you've hurt me. We were chaotic and stupid, young, and what I believed to be in love. I put my whole heart into you, I planned a life way to early, and I grew to love everything about you and the people around you. We spent all of our time together and you were my everything from the moment you came into my life, insepreable... theres the stupid part, in the time we spent with each other I had no idea that I was setting myself up for failure. I took us for granted and so did you. We thought we could withstand anything that life threw at us until it completely knocked us down altogther. It hurt like hell, and I will never act nor did I act like I was okay after "we," became us by ourselves once more. I cried and I did some of the worst things I could have done to myself in that time we were not together. It didn't last long though we found ourselves back to each other and we both knew that this was the only second chance... maybe thats why you couldn't end it when we both knew it was over. A coward, I thought it so many times when you would just ignore the situation and walk right by me like it was just a little fight that we would get over in a week. You knew, and yet you wouldn't open up about it. That whole last couple months we were together I watched you become a completely different person than the boy I had known, you had so much anger built up in you and the fun loving person I loved was no longer there. I noticed myself for the very first time in months that I was in a constant state of sadness, I was never happy for long even when we were okay because I knew it was only a matter of time before it all started over again. I started to hate you for it, I had lost myself and I blamed you for everything. The feelings had become to much and I realized through this all I have a horrible coping mechanism, a bottle. The only thing that would help was if I could forget you for a while so I started to go out and do things that I wish I could take back but I know is too late. You did some pretty horrible things too though ones I still don't think I can ever forgive you for and probably never will. I say all of this yet know I still really and truely care about you, I still check on you to make sure you're doing good, and pray that you get everything you want. I hate to see you with your new girlfriend, but I hope shes everthing you need to help you become a better you, the only thing is that it kills me to see you look at her the way you looked at me. You're not fair in anyway because I know you still ask about me to my friends,, and you still want to know whats going on with me like I do with you. You know I'll always care, and I swear you find joy in knowing that you have this over me. I go day to day changing my mind if i hate you or if I'm still just that in love with you.The thing is honestly though I still hope it'll be us in the end and that you could do the worst thing possible and i still would always care about you no matter what. 

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