To the one I once loved,
I could have lived my life happily, not knowing what emotional abuse was. Then you walked into my life. You carried yourself with courage and self-confidence. I found you daring and dashing. Sadly, it was the walk that kills me when I still see you every day. The walk where you puff your chest out and clench your fists at your side. Despite your colourful personality, you weren’t the prettiest. You were short with pimples covering every inch of your face. Those things didn’t matter to me though. I ignored every sign and every signal. My friends and family told me recognize the power you held in your confidence. To see the hatred you hid behind those beautiful blue eyes. Despite it all, I was convinced you were my future.
I began to hide behind your strength. It took me a while to realize I was not hiding from others, instead I was hiding you from others. I was hiding your control and your abuse. I did not want anyone to see the power you had over me. At the drop of a coin I would have instantly been there to do what you wanted. I was your slave. I was weak at the knees, but not from love, from control and hatred. I wanted to hide that from others.
You kissed me and it was sweet as sugar despite the evil that hid behind those luscious pink lips. It was the evil that sent venom shooting through my veins as poison turned each cell to your control. I was convinced you were my king. I bowed down to you. I listened to your voice booming through the halls each morning as you made sure everyone knew you were there.
I remember the day the rules began, or at least the day I noticed. Your voice held me still as shivers ran down my back. Tears rose to my eyes as you looked me straight in the eye and said, “Don’t talk to him.” Then you grinned that evil little smile, knowing you had won. You grabbed my arms with your rough hands to hug in rejoice. I could feel the waves start to rise. Soon they came crashing down as you pulled me in for a hug. My lungs filled with water and the pain started to rise as my breathing quickened. That is when I began to realize what you were doing was wrong. You controlled me and pushed me around like I was a doll and you were my puppet master.
I sought after love and conversation, while you gained control and harvested my love to be your little toy. You told me you could hear my darkest thoughts. You told me about my thoughts of suicide and death. You said I’d only be safe with you and I believed you. Despite what you told me, you watched me suffer in my mental health and pushed me further into that hole of darkness. You convinced me that my pills were pills of poison and you were the only help. The truth is, you were my pills of poison. You were the drug that only drowned me more.
You aren’t my savour. You’re my abuser. You destroyed me take after take. You apologized and I let you back in like a puppet with his master. I gave you everything; my life, my love, my whole heart. It was all yours. I now live my life knowing the person I once loved never truly existed.
the one you lost.