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I Messed Up

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The reality of this world is that people mess up. Mistakes are made daily, some of which that cannot be taken back. I believe that everyone has that one moment they wish they can erase, actions they can rewind, and words that can be revision.  In blatant terms, a key moment in life where they failed, they messed up, and they cannot fix it. My moment came in the form of an argument. Hurtful words being slashed back and forth between my twin sister and I. Looking for a vulnerable spot upon her person, my eyes narrowed in on her Achilles’ heel, the one spot I knew would make her crumple. I took it, and in all honesty, silence would have been better than the sobbing that followed. I messed up.


Even though my sister and I was born on the same day, I see myself as the older sister. After all, she is eleven minutes younger than me- older is older. While we were close when we were younger, as we aged we natural discovered our own interests. It was during that time of self-discovery we determined one thing- we had absolutely nothing in common. Other than a room and a birthday our similarities dwindled rapidly. While I was quite, she was loud. Our personalities simply existed on opposite sides of the spectra. Due to this arguments occurred more often than not.


If there is one aspect of my personality I pride myself on, it is my ability to keep a level head when I am angry. I never aim for below the belt, or go so far that the relationship with the person becomes damaged. My sister on the other hand, was quite contrary to me on that. She screamed and yelled, and habitually said things in anger that left me stunned or made me shed some tears. I knew she did not mean the things she said, but it still hurt. I told her once that I could be cruel too, that I can say some things that will make her feel really bad about herself. But come every argument, I never did. I could not bring myself to go that low. Until one day, I did.


The argument we had was really stupid in hindsight. I had recently done her a big favor, going on the bus in negative degree weather to give her some money. In terms of payment for my services, we clashed on her debt.  I am unsure how the argument escalated, but I remember being mad. I wanted to hurt her, so I did. After all, if she can go low, so can I. What followed was not what I expected. Instead of just being angry as I am usually am after she does so, she broke out in sobs. In that moment I discovered another difference between her and I: while I could hide my hurt, she wore hers on her sleeve. It was in those terrible moments when she broke down I realized my mistake. Sure, I accomplished my goal, I hurt her, but I felt like the biggest failure this side of the planet. As an older sister, it is my job to protect her. And not only did I fail to do that, but I was the one who wounded her.


My mom has once told me to not let anyone turn me cruel, and while I listened I never fully understood. I did though, at that moment. It was my major failure that I realized how important it is to remain calm. Even to this day, while my sister has long since forgiven me, I cannot help the pang of guilt whenever I pass her. Now, no matter what altercations I come into, when my anger becomes overwhelming, I remember the sound of sobs, I remember the look of hurt and betrayal, and I remember to be wiser.




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