Fairytales and Crap Like That

November 1, 2013
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When we were younger we used to read about fairytales and how the prince met the princess and they fell in love and blah blah blah. These fairytales have mentally destroyed the entire female human race. Girls don’t seem to realize that these love stories are just stories and nothing more. They are fictional! But still, somehow in our minds we’re convinced that our love life will become a Taylor Swift music video – minus the brutal breakup, of course.
There’s this giant issue nowadays with girls feeling that, in order to be complete, they need to be in a “relationship.” This has even moved down into children. Six year-old girls are now in “relationships” with random boys where they share their juice boxes, play Wedding Day and occasionally hold hands. It’s like a princess story where the prince and princess are engaged at age three and are expected to fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after with absolutely no chance of divorce, because in fairytales, divorce just isn’t an option.
One thing I seem to notice about our generation is that teenagers are in “relationships,” but not in a real relationship, because they only talk through text messages. How on earth do people manage to continue on for months maintaining this kind of “relationship”? That’s not a relationship, that’s not anything! It’s two people who are too scared or too socially awkward that the only way they can communicate is through text messages. I understand that some people try long-distance relationships, and that texting is an easier way to communicate with them, which is totally fine. But can you think of something else to talk about other than how beautiful her eyes are? You’d actually know how beautiful her eyes are if you actually looked at them rather than some stupid, pixelated picture on Facebook. Even with those couples who live in the same town, and continue to have what I like to call a “textationship,” it still boggles my mind. You live in the same town, yet you can’t bother to make the effort to see them face to face?

Now let’s move on to the stereotypical couple who spend 24/7 together, and are NEVER APART. Their whole world is their significant other, and they would die if they spent more than five agonizing minutes apart. But it’s not their fault. I’ve come to the conclusion that these couples have been exposed to some sort of radiation and if they dare spend any more than 4.9 minutes away from each other, the radiation will take over and cause the entire universe to explode. So thank you, couples, for saving us all. It’s alright though, cause you love them, right? I mean it’s been three days so you should love everything about them, especially the stuff you don’t know. Unfortunately, because you just can’t stay away from your ray of sunshine, you wind up ditching your friends, and never ever talking to them again. What are you going to do when the cure for the radiation is found and you and your honey bear break up? Where are you going to go? So next time, bud, just stay away from those radiation waves and you’ll be better off.
No one knows what love is anymore. It’s just sort of an expectation. If the boxes are all checked then obviously you love them, right? We base our conception of what love is like from movies (I’m looking at you, The Notebook) and sickening vampire love stories (ahem Twilight). We live through this unreal fantasy where all of these things can happen to us; I mean, if it happens in movies it’s obviously going to happen to us. I don’t know about you guys but I’m pretty sure that I’m going to be fought over by a vampire AND a werewolf. No matter how much of a skeptic I may seem to be. I believe some aspects of this whole relationship thing are true. I’m not a big fan of the whole, mushy gooey “I love you” scene or about fancy dinners, I don’t even care if someone opens a door for me. Regardless of my ideas of relationships, I’m not going to judge other people for how they carry on in their relationship. It’s their business, not mine. If they want to continue a textationship, they can go on ahead and continue to admire how their emoji’s really speak from the heart. Good for them! If they want to be the next non- related, but possibly radiated Siamese twins, the world thanks you for stopping the apocalypse. But just remember the most important thing that we all know from fairytales: none of those royal couples have ever gone into a full-blown make-out session in the middle of the halls. So if you could please move to the side at least, or take it somewhere else, that would be greatly appreciated.

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