Friends Classification

April 8, 2013
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Friends are fuel. They are the food that energizes you, the gasoline in your natural car called your body, and the repairmen who keep you running like a well-oiled machine. Friends, like food, gasoline, and types of repairmen, are extremely varied. There are many options to choose from when picking your friends, but let me tell you there is nothing like having something to eat when starving or, in other words, having a friend when friendless. How do I know? Well, I’d prefer not to go into that. I shall just say that unless you are one of those rare people I call “Charismatic Cannibals,” finding a friend is a difficult and humiliating road that often ends in social death.
Read the following classification to learn some of the many types of friends, from Perfect Plastics to Sugar Angels:
Charismatic Cannibals: A Charismatic Cannibal is a person, usually a teenage girl, who is popular among young and old alike, bordering the line of famous in their town or city. They seem to flourish in the spotlight, eating words like they’re peppermints and singing back new ones like they’re a beautiful and famous song.
Perfect Plastics: Perfect Plastic people may not have facelifts, but don’t let that full you. Behind those sweet and powdered-sugar words is sour salt in a dragon’s eye. Irritating and vengeful, Perfect Plastics have a tendency to subtly insult others and hold grudges until the world bursts into flames. The main upside to a Perfect Plastic is that they are usually fiercely loyal. They can be popular, but usually that is only because others are afraid of the power they wield. Often they are haters of the opposite gender, and are amazing flirts.
Joking Jesters: Joking Jesters are, obviously, people who love to joke and jest. They endlessly tease, taunt, and annoy, and they seem to brush off insults like brushing off dust. Usually witty and sarcastic, Joking Jesters make the perfect company for those who are unable to defend their reputation because of a bully or brutally honest person. Befriend a Jester and you will be safe from public humiliation…for the most part.
Sugar Angels: The very offspring of bittersweet, Sugar Angels are those weak saplings who engross themselves with romance and with trying to become popular and pretty. They are sugar sweet to everyone, trying to fit in somewhere. Most teachers simply adore their pets, the Sugar Angels.
Genie Geniuses: Genie Geniuses are the friends that seem to have the answer for everything, whether they mind if you cheat or not. They can be varied greatly, but all have similarities such as an uncanny sense of what they are Genie Geniuses at, obviously, and the tendency to space out or speak in complicated terms. Many Genie Geniuses don’t even realize that no one understands them and others tend to be as vain as a horse. Often they are complete bookworms. However, few have common sense.
Achingly Averages: The average friend is, well, average. There is nothing noticeably special about them. They do what you would expect them to do…averagely, of course. The trouble with an Achingly Average friend lies in the description: there is nothing noticeably special about them. Most Achingly Averages have a secret or two that they try desperately hard to keep hidden.
So to end this humiliating, (yet surprisingly helpful), manual for choosing friends we will go over the list once more. Charismatic Cannibals are the popular people, the ones that could be considered the sun while planets and stars orbit him. Perfect Plastics are the fake, rude, and cruel people, yet are loyal to their friends, however few those friends may be. Joking Jesters are the funny, witty people who like to cause trouble and ignore the commands of adults. Sugar Angels are the people who try to fit in, are usually in love with the very idea of love, and are often the teachers’ pets. Genie Geniuses are the incredibly smart people who can be full of themselves and who can have little to no common sense. Achingly Averages are the people who seem average, and yet have deep, dark secrets that they wish will never see the light of day again.
Friends are food. What will you choose from this all-you-can-eat buffet?

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This article has 7 comments. Post your own now!

Gransgh said...
Apr. 16, 2013 at 7:00 pm
You are so articulate,I am so proud of you!!!
Sunnyluvsworld_hugs said...
Apr. 10, 2013 at 8:47 am
i love the way youdescribed friends nice job!!
AbbaDabbaDoo replied...
Apr. 10, 2013 at 9:03 am
Thank you!
MJsBabyGirl replied...
Apr. 15, 2013 at 1:41 pm
Awesome!  Loved it!
AbbaDabbaDoo replied...
Apr. 15, 2013 at 8:08 pm
Thank you, too!
Achingly Average said...
Apr. 8, 2013 at 8:40 pm
Interesting take on friendship.  Some astute observations.  It would be interesting to read other archetypes you have observed.  Good job.
AbbaDabbaDoo replied...
Apr. 16, 2013 at 7:03 am
Thanks! I like your name!
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