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I feel like I should go and apologise to everyone I've been in contact with in the past few weeks for the way I've been behaving. My moods are worse than ever... I've not just been negative; rather I've been going up and down and all over the place with how I feel. Happy, sad, irritated, confused, worried, teasing, annoying, whatever the hell it is... It switches constantly... It’s almost too quick. Seeing as I'm one of those hopeless people who try and fail miserably at hiding how their feelings, my emotions show and pretty soon everyone starts thinking I'm either high or I've finally lost it - well, whatever’s left to lose anyway.
A few days back I was awake, alone and completely alert at 2am; those are the most dangerous conditions... Your mind races with all sorts of insane, random thoughts... Thoughts that could either kill you or solve all your problems.
Is that a solution?
Shut up, Noor.
I’m getting off track... I was thinking about all sorts of things, and then the unavoidable thorn-ridden questions started making their presence noticed. And seeing as I had nothing better to do, I decided to try and answer them.
Hmm... How can I phrase the idea..? Look at it this way: have you ever trusted someone with your life? Pushed away others because you had that one person, and that's all you felt you needed... Sincerely believed that this is it, no more hurt, this person can't hurt you?
Bet you were disappointed every damn time.
The truth is... No one, and I mean NO ONE can be trusted to keep you happy... Sometimes, not even yourself. All good things come to an end, and you'll cry three times as much as you'll laugh... That's not pessimism, that's reality. 'Forever', 'inseparable', 'perfect'... These things simply don't exist in the real world. What the heart craves is exactly what the heart can never, ever have. And it's best we learn this and depress ourselves now rather than stupidly expect and hope, and hurt ourselves further... Maybe even inflicting permanent damage.
Is it possible to stop hoping...?
Damn. Now that I think of it... No, it really isn't.
We survive on hope... Go to sleep hoping we'll wake up. or never wake up again..... Wake up every morning hoping the day is liveable.... Hope we're not late for anything, hope we don't forget anything, hope we freaking remember to pick up the keys from the table before walking out! From the smallest, insignificant things to the biggest life changing decisions, hope is always, always an aspect.
How the hell do you stop hoping for anything?
So, is all the hurt and disappointment inevitable? Do we set ourselves up for pain? Is this something we simply can't get out of?
That's pretty damn disheartening.
I guess... It just depends. Getting hurt... Upset... Arguing... It's all unavoidable, and always will be unavoidable.
But if the person is worth it... If they've made you a happier, wiser individual... The pain is NOTHING. Doesn't and shouldn't matter. Life isn't perfect; people will let you down... It's just a matter of knowing who will realise and regret, and who won’t even bother.
And if whoever is hurting you doesn't matter as much... Why are you giving them the importance and permission to hurt you?
"I ain't saying we won't fight.. We won't disappoint.. We won't hurt each other...... I'm just saying our bond is stronger than this... & we'll make it work."
We made it work.