It hurts. It aches with every beat of your heart. Sometimes is hurts to much that you just want to stop breathing, so that your heart can stop beating and you won’t have to feel anymore. It hurts enough to keep you awake at night, discourage your appetite, and cause your body to refuse food altogether. You can’t breathe because each breath reminds you that it is real- that you won’t wake up, even when you’re so desperately wishing you could do so.

Your head spins. The room won’t spin with it and it gives you vertigo. You are going to fight a battle every day to hold on or let go. You won’t know what to do with the pictures or the letters or all the little reminders and so you keep them close, hoping to find an answer soon.

You feel yourself forget. You feel like an ocean tide is pulling you away from the only island you know exists and no matter how hard you try to hold o, the sand slips through your hands and you lose a little more of the memory.

You begin to feel okay at times, but you won’t. You see them and are angry. You see them and are sad. You miss them and want to forget.
They smile at you and show the slightest ounce of remembrance and the hope makes it all begin again.