when i attempted to die

May 18, 2012
By , oran, Algeria
Have you ever been defeated, felt like you can’t stand on your feet? You could barely breathe, too weak to cry or scream. Have you ever been yearning and burning from the inside, fading and falling apart from the outside? Then you are just like me. There was a time couldn't’t even close my eyes so I was scared to fall back again in those awful days I’ve been through. There was a time when my eyes begged me to stop snatching from them the few tears left. There was a time when I wanted to die. It seemed to me the best thing to do, the only way out, my releasement key. I was ready to scarify my life, dreams and nightmares to find peace of mind again. I was ready to give up on any and each feeling, ready to feel nothing, Ready to close my eyes and sink in the deep darkness. Every time I feel pain and hurt I think about these few pills that can release me from everything and take me where nothing can ever touch me or hurt me. Then I made a promise. I was so desperate that I could’ve promised anything to anyone. I promised to a person dear to my heart, that I’ll never let myself end a so short life full of bitter-sweet memories and scars. I wish if I didn’t. Every time I walk at the edge of my life my promise pulls me back to safety and hope. I wish if I haven’t made that promise, met that person, moved to that neighborhood…came to life. I wish to close my eyes, find myself with people who truly love me, who wouldn’t fight me and break my life as they break those plates and cups in a moment of anger and madness. I wish to be where I belong. I wish to find the value of my existence. I wish to go 10 years forward to get away as far as possible from this pain which surrounds me. I wish to leave everything behind my back and step beyond my suffocating anger and killing ideas. I wish to die and reborn again. I wish to be 90, to tell myself that what’s gone is more than what’s coming. To tell myself that death has never been so near as today. I wish to tell anyone I’ve hurt that I regret, that I’m sorry. I wish to tell the person I gave a promise to that he’s worth more than he has that meeting him is the best thing that happened to me. I wish you won’t think I’m crazy or suicidal. I wish you to know how hard life can beat you in a moment of despair and I wish you will keep your promises as long as I keep mine, because I know that the sun will rise again, that I’ll find who to love and where to be loved because I know when I will be 90 while sitting where I belong I will welcome death as an old friend I could’ve met earlier, but whom I’ll tell what my life has been like after I attempted to die





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Lily B. said...
May 24, 2012 at 2:49 pm
i really felt the emotions that you put into this peice. I really think you are a good writer and i felt it come from the heart. Those are the best articles.
 
yasmeentepa replied...
May 29, 2012 at 2:06 pm
thank you. i'm very glad you like it!
 
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