I'm not sure who I am writing this to or why I feel like I will get a reply, I just feel distant from people, my body there but my mind far away. I have trouble explaining it and even more understanding it. I feel like and outsider, but I am not, at college I am surrounded by people, “friends” I would not personally class them as that as I know I can't trust them, but it is what they call me. There is always a group of us but I feel like I am merely observing through binoculars, I don't dare participate like an audience member wouldn't start talking to the actors in a play. What makes this feeling even more absurd is the fact that people do talk to me, I am like the diary of them all, I know the ins and outs of their lives, and I give my opinion and try to help them with their problems, which should make me feel involved right? It doesn't I almost feel like it is them talking, I feel like I am part of their conscience and not an actual person. And when they have no problems or nothing to confide I cease to exist, they exclude me from conversations and turn their backs on me both figuratively and literally. Which is why I seek solitude, the freedom that comes with it and escape in music. But even solitude gives me little peace, my mind is ever talking to me, constantly debating with me and asking questions I can't answer, I am two people in one body, but non existent at the same time. I argue with myself, relive and recreate past experiences in my mind, then go off into fantasies, in which I feel just as non-existent. I am seriously starting to doubt my own existence , and that of “reality”.
Is this real?
April 26, 2012