March of My Machines

March 27, 2012
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I’m forced to watch you like a bad movie on the lower channels of basic cable when nothing else is on. Your voice is that of a siren, beautifully deceptive and lustrously soothing like audible chocolate. Behind piercing eyes lies an entity of epically wicked proportions. A thieving destructive being, feeling just out of reach until you’re face to face and nothing can prepare you for the feeling of ultimate betrayal. Like having your spine ripped from your form by the hands of your closest friend. An illusion performed by the most seasoned magician, awe inspired feats of unbelievable excitements and prosperity. All to find out what you saw was a display of nothing more than a cheap hustle done by the most crooked gangsta on the shadiest block. I see you when I really don’t and look away when you’re truly there. Chiseled in the very foundation of myself, forever it remains like a tangible scar, a reminder to always forget. Playful words become spears ripping and bleeding at my core. The slightest hint of your name, the very sight of your figure, a grim and desperate fog grips my mind. Dreams of inner peace and impeccable alignment turn into an early morning rage as I speak with a devil’s tongue. Sequences become time travel and I lost my flux capacitor, I’m stuck in the past with no hope of return for a while.
My appetite is small, my patience is thin and my complete trust is no longer for anyone, save me. You say I’m troubled; you made me that way, I was like a new toy in any child’s hand. Fun for awhile but as things progress you loose interest and concentrate on the next fad. Leaving it in some dusty box stuffed in your closet, not to be seen in some time, a relic to be discovered in years to come. Nothing but a speck in the eyes of your ambitious efforts, I dwarf in comparison to your true agenda. A haunting voice that won’t stop screaming at me discourages most attempts to reconcile. Day and night your with me and won’t leave, yet you can’t stand the sight of me. An unforeseen disaster under the most bizarre of circumstances, a cigarette butt igniting a nuclear meltdown. You took everything from me and I no longer see my way out of the tunnel. I sweat profusely like an arachnid phobic in a pit of spiders. I’ve been caught in your web for what seems like an eternity. I fear sleep because I’m stuck with your fleeting image and can’t escape it. A numbness grapples my limbs as I succumb to your presence and can’t even catch my breath. Why did I ever trust you with the most important thing to me, my happiness. Now with the façade over, you kept my heart like a trophy and put it on display for everyone to see. Now I sit in the shadows as my mind drifts through outer space about my next move, but it all comes back to you and that’s why I go no where. Cast into darkness like an angel fallen from grace, it’s been too long since I stretched my wings, they might as well be clipped. Do you know what it means to wander like a zombie with no care for human flesh? I’ve never felt so hallow.
They tell me they understand but they have no idea what it’s like to have 100 apparitions whispering in your ear with the most wicked tongues. They have no idea what it’s like to have the population stare at you like you have nine heads. If they walked by and said hello, I will not spit sulfuric acid or emit a deadly burst of gamma radiation, I will most certainly smile and return the courteous gesture. I have no master plan to summon the devil amongst us, though he lurks around every corner. I no longer cry because I know what I cannot change. I no longer see the world a tint brighter, more like a shade greyer. A trembling hand is most I come to feeling anything anymore. Trapped in purgatory, suspended in disbelief, doomed to float no where until the last breath leaves my body. I feel as if an hour glass is steadily filling up with sand and I can do nothing but wait for the day of reckoning. I’m stuck in this hole and everyone left without even leaving me a ladder. It’s more painful than being ripped apart atom by atom. With these words on paper, my blood the ink, I can finally stop clenching my jaw.
I don’t hate you, I never could in a thousands lives. You really were the one who set me free, the very same one who gave me new eyes to see how wonderful life can really be when your hand was in mine. When your soft lips touched my own the birds chirped louder, the sun shone with a most vigorous color. Your laughter melted away my cold, frozen exterior that at one point prevented anyone from getting close. You held in your arms a power over me that can not quite be defined. A certain ying to my benevolent yang, a smile plastered to my face and an elevated heart rate. It couldn’t have been simpler…I was happy, a kid in a candy store. Nothing lasts forever though, as I’m now viewing a foreign film and I can’t understand a word. Yet how can I let a terminal singularity define my existence, why is it that I’m so helpless. Or could it be I’m my own worst enemy, could it be I’ve been lying to myself even as I type. Has a new seed been planted am I so prolonged to be doomed until my last breath. Will I see no victory, only disaster and loss hope? I feel like I just think way too hard. So many variables to account for and nothing to compensate, nothing to expect except a completely alien situation to linger in my face and taunt me with a benevolent smirk. I want to say I’m scaling the same cliff I jumped off all those years ago. I’d love to think it would be ok. I’ll have to evolve, adapt and survive yet again in the face of my own self pity. In this day and age my feelings become more and more obsolete. Someone please hold me, I’m scared beyond belief. What are you thinking right now I’m dying to know, do you think about me…god I hope you’re not.





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