You see I've never been the most confident girl you'll ever meet. I had my doubts and insecurities growing up, and I still do. I grew up thinking that looks were everything because when I was going through puberty with my ugly hair cut, baby fat, and awkward way of dressing - somehow people thought I wasn't worth being treated like the other girls who blossomed before me. Then it hit me... in order to be loved or have the feeling of being admired, I needed to be this perfect human being. I lost weight, started caring about the way I dressed, and started wearing makeup. I gained my confidence and people started recognizing me. Oh boy, you wouldn't realize how differently the world treats you when you look good. I thought I was happy and I looked forward to everyday but there was still this empty void inside of me. Whispering into my subconcious ever so often, "Something is missing. This is all an illusion. You're not happy. This isn't you." But I ignored it because this new shallow but beautiful being that I was,told me that I was happy, and that's all I ever wanted. Years went by and everyone started finding love, in and out of love constantly, they never had trouble finding it. But here I was sitting, waiting, and watching while everybody else was moving forward. I was stuck in this same tedious cycle of liking a guy, him liking me, me doubting myself, and eventually moving on never knowing what could've been. Why did I doubt myself in the first place you ask? Because I knew deep inside hiding behind this fake confidence, nice clothes, and full face of make up was still the ugly duckling that lied within. The voice inside my subconcious was right... I wasn't happy, not at all. If a guy showed the slightest bit of interest in me I would ask myself, "Why would a guy like him even be the slightest bit interested in a girl like me?" I would convince myself that I'm not worth his time and that he can find someone better and I moved on. This process has been repeating itself over and over again. So while everyone else moved on forward and found love and lost. I never really had the chance to even find love in the first place. So here I am again, faced with the same situation. I like the guy and I think he likes me but I'm constantly doubting myself. But I'm tired of this already, so tired. I want to move forward... I want a different ending this time.
A different ending
March 14, 2012