A blue flame under old bones

November 29, 2011
“Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence. “Eric Fromm. This was said by a man who knew the meaning of love. Many stumble upon illusions that throw them into a painful and confused daze. The discouraging evidence that many people find is that love is not only a feeling, yet a decision and a choice to take action. Why is this daunting? The quick simple answer is that so many people don't want it to be that hard.

In specific relation to this quote, I'm sure many would question the relevance. However, much of the things that go on in the world stem from love, and more often than not the lack of. That is the restraining truth that haunts many that see the true disaster happening daily. Instant gratification has become a must in our society. The reality is it resonates in not only our everyday routines, but our relationships as well. Having satisfying relationships, in all spectrums’ of life can take time. Love is a simple start to a person’s development, yet so easily trampled on by parents who are responsible for their child's well-being. This is where the relationship understanding begins! We are always seeing children being used for another person's instant gratification, whether it is pleasure or anger.
There are so many ailments to our worlds love. I have seen the first hand act of the beginning love dissipating through selfish desires. My biological father had once devoured my sense of self-respect and love. My father had sexually abused my siblings and me, and had placed us on platforms of glass, only to be broken down in the end by his hand. My mother knew well of the things going on, only to self-indulge in worldly desires to make her forget. I have been in a place of destroying myself, and not thinking about the outcome.
Something changed though. I was placed in juvenile facilities and residential for over a year. After many events, I went into foster care. My foster parents went through the war that was going on inside of me. They not only saw it, but got a taste of the anger and hate. Love was first shown to me when two people knowing what could happen, stood strong on their ground and didn't fall short of patience and love.
Love is not only a feeling, but an action.
During this time period, I had fallen victim to the known disease, lust disguised as love. This brought many disheartening falls to a relationship I thought could bring me happiness and a sense of relief in my struggles with men. Alas, nothing but brokenness and deceit came out of this attempt. Love is beautiful, when it actually exists, but when falsehoods take hold it brings upon artful serpents of trickery.
I was blessed and fortunate coming out of that part of my life. From the brokenness came someone I believe was destined to be in my life to force me to realize what love really looks like. Not only receiving, but showing and proving it on my side. I had thus far taken it for granted though. Conquering my own demons meant a lot of things in terms of love, and I was for sure I wasn't ready. In my mind, I was for sure he wasn't ready for the closet of bones I had stored up either.
Lacota holds a different perspective, one where hope lies around every corner, which is clearly different from my own views. Many times I have held him on a rope with things like, “Do you really think this going to work.” Many times over I had crushed him into the ground. A familiar feeling I suppose.
It made it very hard for me to be as cold as I was when I saw that the things I was saying and the way I acted brought tears. Legitimate tears! Was there really someone who cared enough, cherished me enough to cry over me? Surely not, especially with all the other women he could have in an instant. I didn't quite understand why I was the one he wanted. With these thoughts accompanied such a strong sadness, and fear that he knew he could have better, that anger began to arise.
Over and over the cycle of misery and disdain plagued us. This was a painful knowledge knowing I was the one making the relationship difficult. I was so stuck on this thought of there being some major disappointment haunted me every day. It made the wall between us so much bigger. The issue with his past relationships made it ours even more troublesome. The thought that other women he happened to be interested in somehow ranked way higher than me made me even more miserable.
At this point, he realized how big of an issue my self-respect was. He accommodated to my personal woes every day. This hurt even more. I than felt I didn't deserve any of what he was giving me. This threw me into a deeper depression. The cycle never ends.
I was battling this out full throttle my head. This was a moment where I wanted instant gratification. I wanted to feel good about myself, and Lacota. I didn't want results that would take a long amount of time. Hadn't we wasted enough time? Wanting the amazing feelings to happen right then and there brought up the bitterness and the constant thoughts that Lacota and I “were not meant to be.”
Blaming myself, and blaming him as well became a problem. I slowly began to have a revelation. This was something I had control of. This wasn't a cycle I couldn't control! All my life I had been trapped, born into something I didn't have control over. Love is not just a feeling, it's an action, and surely it was time for me to take action. Now it's my turn to take control. I didn't need to function like I was living under some evil that could take hold of what I wanted most. This is my relationship, and I have control over the way I see things, and how I treat Lacota.
This of course is a work in progress. Loving myself for instance, is not something I have fully come to an understanding with. Trusting that my love will not deceive me and coming to grips with the beauty he sees in me has been a struggle as well. It takes love, and when love is there, the other things needed for the person follow. My heart was taken by the many brutes of my past. Subconsciously to me, I was being my own thief. I was sabotaging everything that could possibly give me happiness. I lived my life trusting personal techniques, and relying on my own knowledge for survival. Trying to open myself to this new concept of what love looked like broke me down. It just wasn't that easy. For once, there were people who stood unchanging in their love for me. There must be a catch right?
My doubt made an ocean of treachery with enough armor to fight off thousands of threats. This of course is still a struggle. However, I made the decision to love and fight through the pain and issues that follow. I made a choice that I believe has let me thrive and overcome the roots of torture that had caged me for the majority of my life.

From all of this, I have seen the meaning of love at its finest peak. Love can give you unbelievable feelings; yet break your spirits in a very ephemeral amount of time. It manifests itself in many ways, which in turn assists everyone in their own personal definition of love. It reveals itself in places that love is usually not characterized. Love is the natural caregiver, because when it exists inside of us we fulfill other’s needs. The cycle begins as others begin to share what was given to them. The roots from love produce the compassion that this world needs. Going back to my opening quote, the problem in our whole existence is love, and the lack thereof leaves compassion at a loss. I have found that not only is the meaning of love to take action and hold fast in our struggles with ourselves and others, but to sacrifice our pride and other barren qualities to give others a sense of meaning that they have never had. Love is a cycle, and when it is not fed and triggered correctly, it begins to downfall. What moves me in my life most is the simple loving kindness of the people who don't need to get angry, or use me or others to live their own life happy. Their happiness comes from the love inside and the love they radiate onto others.
When others see love it plants a seed that can grow into strength and power, to move their lives into a beautiful history for others to learn from as well.





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