I miss you. I really do. I wish you were here. I wish I was next to you being held in your arms, feeling safe and secure. I don’t feel that way here. I feel lost and broken, empty and soulless. I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going. I’m just aimlessly walking around praying that I find something I know. I’m begging God to just show me something even with the slightest hint of familiarity. I want to see your face again. I want to see your smile and hear your laugh. Feel your touch and hold your hand. But I can’t and I regret everything that’s happened between us. I want to take back those words I said, all the thoughts in my head. I want to go back to that day and stop screaming and hating you. Because I don’t, I don’t hate you. Truth is you make me crazy. The kind of crazy where you can make me so angry one minute and the very next second I feel remorse and want to smile at you, laugh at you and be with you. Yet again though, I can’t. I ran from you that day. Ran so far, so fast there was no turning back. I fought with you, screamed at you, threw my fists in the air and yelled at the sky wondering why you were brought into my life. I still don’t know why to this very day, all I know is that you were meant to be here. The reason why I’m in your life, I have no clue but the purpose of you being in my life was for me to fall endlessly for you. Maybe it was to cry and to end up smiling. To fight and drift apart but to end up having you hold me again. Maybe it was so that I could figure out that there were people that I fit with correctly in this world. Then again, maybe none of those reasons are why. Maybe you were just brought in by accident, just a mistake that wasn’t supposed to get any worse. But I miss you still. And I want you here. I wish I’d stayed that day and figured it out. I wish I’d stuck around long enough to realize the things that I’d be losing. I didn’t. I ran from you. I ran from there. I ran to get away because I was scared. I knew you could tear me apart and break me. At the same time though, I knew you could put all the pieces back together at any given moment and make me. Make me better or break me to the bitter ends. Either way it wasn’t you who made me this way. Not completely anyway. It was still me too. I was the one who stayed away. I was too stubborn to admit to my mistakes. I was too afraid to come back as I was afraid of what I’d find. I knew I’d find you but I didn’t know if I’d find the version of you that I wanted to see. I’m sorry for that. I really am. I can’t get over the”if” factors, and I know it’s been a long time and I’m still here. I wonder what would have happened if things didn’t happen the way they did that day. I wonder where we’d be today. I wonder if we would even still be a “we”. All I know is that you’re happy now. You’ve found someone else who makes you smile and laugh. You’ve found somebody else that you can lean on, depend on and feel safe with, things that I couldn’t give you. You’ve found a girl that was worth loving. All you ever did with me was save my sorry ass every time I screwed something up. You’d be there to hold me even when I was reluctant to let you. You would support me when I couldn’t do the same for you. You were strong and I was weak. But I swear I’m a little better now. I’m doing this on my own and it’s the hardest it’s ever been. There’s no one here, not a single person. Not even you. And I need you. I can’t live normally without you. I can’t smile and I can’t speak. I’m just a wanderer now. Ever since that day I’ve been a wanderer. All thanks to me and to you. So I’ll say my final farewell. Thanks for everything you’ve taught me, for all the memories you’ve given me. I couldn’t have made it here without you. I hope you’re happy with her. I’m not just saying that, I mean it. Your happiness means the world to me, especially now. You’ve got my blessing Prince Charming, go on and get your real princess. She was never me; we both knew that no matter how many times you’ve said differently. I have somewhere it’s time I got to. I’ll see you around one day. I don’t know how you’ll look or if you’ll be happy, but you’ll be okay. That’s all I’ll ever need to know. Goodbye and thank you. Please be happy because I can’t be, I need someone to be happy for me. And that someone is you. It’s always been you. I love you. I’ll miss you. Goodbye.
May 30, 2011