When it hits you

March 31, 2011
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When it hits you, it's hard. Like a snow ball with ice in the center, in no place other than your face, of course. Like the slap of your belly hitting the surface of the water. When you stub your toe on the bathroom door. With every action comes an equal and opposite reaction (Newton's third law). The snowball: a yelp and a possible black eye. The belly-flop: inability to breathe for a moment and a mouth full of water. Toe collision: a yelp and the loss of a nail. What happens when the future hits though? What happens when love hits? Or the final break-up?
Well, the future is inevitable. When love hits? There may be butterflies or giggles and smiles for a while, but supposedly that dies out. Or does it? How do you know it was love from the beginning? Guess what? You don't. Nothing tells you not to let them go. Nothing tells you that they will be the one to steal your heart. You have to know it, feel it. It's nothing anyone can tell you that you have or don't have it, for it is not possessed. It possesses you. When you fall for them, whether you spend every day with them, or once a week, you’ll know it. No matter what happens, you’ll feel the flutter, or the sting. There will always be jealousy and envy, but getting through it is what matters.
When the end comes, it hits harder than anything you’ve ever felt. You want so bad to go back and change one thing, change one decision or conversation. It might even be something as minuscule as a sentence within a conversation. You dwell on it. You add everything up and subtract what you can and multiply what you can’t. Then divide it in two and hope it comes out as an even whole number, but you calculated something wrong. Every time something was calculated wrong. You go through this process a million times over until you either give up, or decide that it isn’t over, there is more to the story than what you have written yet. It’s that forgotten step that gives you a mini heart attack but it all ends up okay. Or maybe it’s the train that fell off the tracks, but somehow a miracle occurred and everyone survived with minor injuries. Everything worked out in the end. Unless you never seem to remember that thirteenth step. Unless there wasn’t anyone on the train when it crashed, except you -the driver and it was entirely your fault that it fell off in the first place. You take a look at your life and realize how many things turned out this way by your own fault. One of two choices is your nest move, cry, or move on with your life. The first always seems inevitable, but the second is solely up to you.
I cried. I died inside for weeks until there was no part left alive. I still want him back and goddamn I would do anything for him. He is still moving on, but I shall wait. I shall sit outside my body and watch the world from the sidelines. I’ll look over the shoulder of my body, but I will by no means participate in the world. I will go through my day with the song playing in my mind; our song. I will smile like nothing is wrong, and live like I can’t feel. Nothing will hurt me until I hear your voice again. I was driving the train when it crashed. I still haven’t found my way out of the rubble - the train is still on fire.
After about a month after writing the above, I write to you to tell you how it turned out. Life looks up. It doesn’t seem like it ever will when you’re under that burning train, but it does. The pain and tears reply in my head every day. However, they bring me strength, confidence, remembrance. The memories will never go away, but instead they will serve as a reminder; a reminder of another time- nothing more. That ice-ball in the face may sting for a few days, but the red will go away. The scar that you got from a jagged edge may not, but it will remind you of the fun if the battle with your friend, not of the physical pain it brought to your face.
So keep your chin up. The train will be repaired and placed perfectly back upon its tracks. That toenail will grow back. The redness on your stomach will fade. Life will work itself out. Time will heal your wounds. Some days it may affect you more than others, but keep a level head and a smile on your face. Forget about your worries and live for today.

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