I Can't Love...Can I? Part 2

By , Ogden, UT
Did you know that out of most of my peers, the ones who don't or won't believe in love have had an experience(s) in which they try to love someone(s) and regret putting their heart n the line, so they never try again? Well not only do I know this, but I used to be one of those "I won't and can't love" people. I haven't had a reviving experience in which now I experience being loved by "the man who sweeps me off my feet". But I have had a realization, which has lead to many other realizations. Before I get into how I have changed my mentality, I will like to explain why I never wanted to even try to love someone.

When most people say the words "I love you", the first thing that comes to my mind is; "You have no idea what love is!!" The second thing is "In what way?" My parents have told me for most of my life, "I love you, Alex." But when the time came that I truly needed their love is wasn't there. So I never really tried to love anyone, the words didn't mean anything. I felt no significance for these "overplayed" words.

I moved on in life and met a guy whom I didn't really feel anything for but lust, ironically it was my longest realtionship. I realize now more than ever he never knew me, we stayed together because it was convenient, and neither of could admit that we weren't in love. He said the words, "I love you" right after our first month of being together. I just nervously laughed it off, nodded, and said "Yeah me too..." After awhile I can admit (now) that after hearing him say this a few times every week and then giving up my virginity to him that maybe this is what love is. Having fun all the time, being (what I thought) happy, and never talking about serious issues. if the thought of talking about something serious came upon my mind i would put it off. Eventually after being together for almost a year, and experiencing things (that I knew we would have to talk about serious things so I tried. He panicked tried but it just didn't work. I thought we were going to last forever until I realized "This is a joke!" He doesn't know me, he bgan to realize this too. Then he thought it won't hurt to cheat, so he did and then broke up with me. This gave me more reason to not believe in love.

While I was (in my eyes) at my lowest point; I befriended someone (which I never thought possible) who liked me for who I was, and me for himself. Even though I was at my lowest, negative mind set I started to blossomed into the "real Alex", maybe because I wasn't trying to be someone I'm not. I know that i owe part of that to the friendship which evolved unintentionally, mainly because that friend was there not judging but listening and giving advice better than people who said they loved me. Still he was caring without wanting anything in return. I realized that I was not only attracted to him but cared about him and wanted more than a friendship. I also realize (now) that at that point I wasn't ready for a relationship. Then we took the friendship fruther and started going out, I began to realize that I started to feel more than "like" and cared deeply for this guy. I didn't want to fall in love! I can't! Too many people have f***ed with the meaning of those words for me to believe in them. So, I did the worse thing I could do and tried to push him away not once but twice. I didn't internally believe that the second time would wwork but it did. I probably lost one of the best poeple that have been there for me. Not only did I probably lose him but I lost his "roommate". A man that helped me realize that I'm worth more than what I believed myself to be, and one that dealt with some emotional shit that I had kept in for the last three and a half years.

So i also have been through events in which I could hold close and let affect how I am today, but now I won't. The way I care about people has changed, the way I view things has also changed in less than a year. Letting the fact that love can be for friends, family or more has made me a better person. It took (probably) losing someone who tried to be there and was. I told him that i didnt want him there, to realize that loving someone no matter what the results will bring. Loving will take you further than not.





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