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Manhunters

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Let me start off this article by saying that I am in no way a Love Guru of any sort. I am eighteen years old and have had only two boyfriends, with an odd type of summer fling thrown in there, too. I am inexperienced and absolutely clueless when it comes to relationships, which is probably part of the reason why I am forever the dumpee instead of the dumper. However, I do know some things about relationships, and being single, that I would like to tell my fellow females that, like me, are perpetually on the man-hunt.

But before I embark on my advice, let me give you a little insight into those two boyfriends and summer fling, so that you will be able to decide for yourself as to whether or not I know anything at all about relationships.

I got my first boyfriend, and first kiss, during my sophomore year of high school. He was two years younger than me, a freshman, had braces, and called me Kat instead of Katie. He enjoyed writing notes in made-up languages and discussing cars; two activities that did not impress me in the least. We dated for a staggering five and a half months, which is quite the feat for a high school relationship. A year later, he came out of the closet and declared himself gay to the entire school.

You can imagine my humiliation. Despite that though, he has turned out to be the sweetest and most sincere guy I’ve been involved with. Oddly enough, we’re best friends now and he is honestly one of the loveliest people I know. Too bad that he’s into boys, right?

Boyfriend numero dos came around during the last couple of months of my junior year. He was the opposite of the first; he was muscular and a little stocky, played sports, and was straight. Very, very straight. Straight to the point where he made numerous women jokes and was more than a little obnoxious. About two days after we had started dating, I was over at his house, on his bed, watching I Am Legend and snuggling up nice and close. I completely missed Will Smith saving the day, however, as the Boyfriend flipped us around so that he was on top of me and immediately began doing something that was very much like vacuuming my face with his mouth. This all happened in the span of about two seconds, and I was altogether very shocked. After I went home I texted him saying I thought we were maybe going a little too fast and five days later he dumped me because he had been under the (incredibly wrong) impression that I would be putting out within the first couple of weeks of our dating.

Now, on to the summer fling. It occurred just before the start of my senior year, and was by far the most interesting relationship (if it can be called that) that I’ve had. Mr. Fling was suave, charming, and an all-around prince to me; we liked the same movies, music, books. I thought man, maybe this is the guy. Maybe he’ll actually stick around.

Nope.

After two weeks of intense bonding (which included his head in my lap while we watched movies, spooning, intense tickle fights, and trips to Petco to cuddle the rabbits) I learned of his party life. He told me that yes, he smoked weed and cigarettes, drank like a fish, and regularly went to giant parties. Also, he was not a virgin.

This was a little much for me to absorb. I took it all in, though, and decided to accept it; I mean, he was so perfect and he did say that he was working on cutting back on all of his bad habits. Then he invited me to a party, and I said no. I just wasn’t the party type; my wallflower attitude barred me from any sort of exciting social life. He seemed to be more than a little insulted and ignored me until the start of school, when I found out he had gotten back together with one of his ex-girlfriends. I was completely crushed and throughout the first half of the school year I held on to a small strand of hope that maybe he’d ask me back, maybe he’d realize his loss; but he didn’t, he just went through girl after girl after girl. And not one of those girls was me.

So. I have been with the Closet Gay, the Macho Man, and the Hipster Douchebag. And what do I have to say for those three completely different relationships?

I have four words for you: being single is fine.

Yes, I said it. Being single is not a disease, it is not something to be ashamed of, and it certainly does not mean that you have to reduce yourself to a desperate mess in order to impress boys. I know many of you are now horrified, like I've just declared that the Earth is flat. But I’m serious! Being single is not something to be afraid of. For some reason, most ladies under the age of thirty think it is. And why? Why do we need a man to feel good about ourselves? Are we that emotionally unstable that we have to hang on the words of someone else to feel any self-worth?

Bull, I say!

I look around my school and see girls with layers upon layers of make-up on. I see girls that put hours into deciding what they’re going to wear, how they’re going to wear it, and who they’re going to wear it for. My school is flooded with girls wearing tight yoga pants, miniskirts that show more skin than I want to see, and shirts that are just see-through enough to tell what color bra they’re wearing underneath it. And what for? Most of these girls are single; very few can hold down a relationship for more than a month. All I see when I look at them is a pile of tacky jewelry and globs of eyeliner. I know you all know at least one of these girls. She’s the girl that laments the fact that she has no make-up on today because, oh no! A man might look over! He might see her actual face! How could she go on living if that should happen! Who knows, maybe you are that girl.

But I’m here to tell you that being single is great. It’s a free pass, ladies! Being single means you can do whatever you want, whenever you want. Want to sit at home on the weekend and eat your weight in Cheetos? Fine! Do it! Have you been itching to have a Gossip Girl marathon? Dude, have at it. You don’t have to be continually thinking about boys and their opinions of you. Just be yourself, because if you have to work that hard to find a boy then he’s not worth keeping anyway.



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This article has 3 comments. Post your own now!

Aduke9 said...
Oct. 14, 2012 at 6:46 am
I LOVED this!! Hilarious!
 
mariemarie said...
Jan. 22, 2011 at 9:59 pm
i loved this!
 
HisPurePrincess This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jan. 22, 2011 at 8:00 pm

Oh-my-great-aunt-Tilly's-bloomers!

This was so awesome!  I want to like, hug you and fist-bump you and dance around hollering like a maniac!  I've read some articles on here that were on this subject, but none as well as you did.  Five stars to you girlie, you can just pick one out in the sky, I'll name it after you.  WOW!!!!

 
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