I sit here and I wonder off in mindless thoughts. I numerously ask myself constantly, "How horrible could it possibly get for me to explode ?" Im always getting cheated on. I never had the answer and I never understood exactly why this was happening to me. I've been through things as worse as it could possibly go. I wonder why am I so young - young as 16 and experience things that no other girl over goes. I had been cheated on since i was in the 7th grade. It all started with a boy that had made me feel pretty , so wonderful inside made me feel like I was the only thing that mattered and like I was the best thing in the world. Well we broke up after me giving him about 6 months of everything i could. Being the best girlfriend doing things to make him happy. Calling to talk about the both of our days. Long walks and long stares into each others eyes just to say how much we cared for each other. That all came to an end when he left me for my very dearest friend because i wouldnt kiss him. I was afraid and felt pressured Im glad that I didn't do it now but back then i had beaten myself up emotionally thinking that it was all my fault. I got over us and I found myself in other relationships about 3 or 4 into high school, they all cheated. Until I found this nice gentleman that ment so much to me. We did everything together except sex. He kept pressuring me to kiss him but i wouldn't. I didn't feel that i was ready for my first kiss even though I was in the 10th grade. Well I was hospitalized due to a condition with my head. He didn't visit me nor did he call. I wondered for a very long time why so I had text him a few times. Finally a response came about and he told me that he could'nt visit me because he wa afraid of the hospital. I didn't argue or fight even though I wanted to see him very much. Finally he came to visit me and that was the worst of it all. We broke up! While I was in the hospital he had went to the movies with his ex girlfriend and they had kissed. He had also been texting another girl setting up a date to have sex. I guess I wasn't moving fast enought for his sexual urges and commands. After I was getting over him and his childess acts, I found someone new. This guy made me believe in every fairy tale that had been crushed due to my pass relive. We talked everynight until 6 in the morning. We was always together and buying things for eachother. He was the best boyfriend ever. He knew everything I hated and everything I loved. I could talk to him about anything and everything. We would argue and then within 5 min saying I love you and I love you more. It was ridiculous how much we loved eachother. Everything was just like the movies and thats why what seemed so real was fake. After all the nice things went old almost everything we had went down the drain. I found out that he had been dating me while he was dating this girl i caught him cheating on me with. It hurt so bad i couldn't ever imagine putting someone through that much pain. I wouldn't have ever done anything to anyone like that. However then we worked things out and he said that everything was a lie. Trying again trust was limited and so I was paranoid. After a few months I found out other things. Trying to despite the bad I tried to just work things out. Not knowing that it would hurt me in the long run. After one year of everything. Literally everything, we had found ourselves in a aposition I dont ever want to be in again. He cheated again. This time it was with a girl that is trying out for my varsity cheer suad Im captain of. How horrible could it possibly get before I explode? I never could answer that question but now I could. It took alot and it hurt too bad. Now Im afraid to love anyone. I feel as though there's a curse on me. When will I ever get Love or now the question is " Is love for me?"
May 6, 2010