Bad Friends

December 14, 2009
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We've all been there: stuck with a "friend" that we don't even like. Now, this "friend" could have committed one, or a few, out of a number of simple, resolvable offenses, such as:

Bad Breath- mints, gum, mouthwash, gasmask.

Body Odor- deodorant, body spray, gasmask.

Bad Grammar-dictionary, fourth grade spelling and grammar packet, spell-check.

Emptying Your Refrigerator- extra red-bulls, dead bolt, tazer.

Smelly Shoes- fabreeze, vehicle air fresheners, garbage truck.

Bad Fashion Sense-flamethrower, What Not To Wear, store-specific gift card.

If none of these are similar to your "friend's" symptoms, then the "friend" in question has probably done enough damage to fit a Bad Friend Profile. These include:

Clingy "Friends." These cuddly little demons are often compared nettles, or anything smothered in rubber cement. You and this "friend" are basically forcefully inseparable. Removal can potentially be painful, as this type is likely to get intensely emotionally attached to you. Symptoms of clingy "friends" include excessive texting or calling, extreme and constant closeness, and the desire to know EVERY minute detail of your life.

Permanent "Borrowers." this type is usually very easily loveable because they always politely ask to borrow your things. And not only that, but its sweet really, that they want exactly what you have. Isn't imitation the highest form of flattery after all? Plus, we all have to admit that it's fun to be envied sometimes. However after you lend these "friends" your belongings, you will NEVER get those items back again. Symptoms of permanent "borrowers" include not returning your curling iron, not returning your favorite shirt, and conveniently "losing" the eyeliner you lent them (you will notice that their eyes sparkle with that exact color purple.....).

Forced "Friends." These are the "friends" that no one but you can understand. They are the ones whom you have known your entire life. You feel obligated to remain their friend, but when it comes down to it, you two really just don’t have anything in common with each other. Removal can be easy if done properly. Symptoms of forced "friends" include lack of interest, lack of conversation topics, and an awkward tension when the two of you are around one or both of your mothers (who undoubtedly set up the friendship to begin with and are now trying to keep it alive. Kind of like beating a dead horse. Trust me, it won't go any faster...).

Lay-Z-Boys: Just like the chairs, the most these "friends" will do is sit in your living room for awhile. They are just along for the ride in a basically one-way friendship. They usually don't even seem to care. Symptoms of lay-z-boys include, always getting, never giving, and mooching.

Cocky "Friends." This type is always self absorbed, and they feel like they should always be in control. They are condescending to all of their friends, and never take no for an answer. Their favorite hobby is telling people that they are wrong. Symptoms of cocky "friends" include huge ego, sense of entitlement, and smack talk.

Liars. This type of friend usually resembles an online predator in their friendship strategies. You may be thinking, 'Well, everyone tells a white lie at least once in their life. This seems a little over-the-top,' however this is a special type. These people lie on a regular basis, often for no legitimate reason at all. They get under your skin, and establish a special bond of trust, to provide a sturdy base to fall back on if they are caught in a lie. Symptoms of liars include lack of credibility, elaborate grandiose stories, and constantly accusing others of lying.

Fakes. This friend type is very similar to the above category. This type of "friend" seldom, or never, shows their true colors. Their personality seems to change drastically based on the person, or group, that they are with at the time. Fakes rarely tell you what they are feeling. Their emotions are always hard to read, and they are therefore very difficult to trust. Symptoms of fakes include words contrasting considerably with facial expressions, apparent mood swings or mood slips, and lack of sincerity.

Attention Hogs. This type always has to be the center of attention. They will literally do anything, and use their closest friends as puppets, to get attention. Beware subtle side comments, and never respond too dramatically to a situation, or you will be labeled as an easy target. Symptoms of attention hogs include lying, talking about personal problems, and a huge ego.

Backstabbers. These are potentially the most lethal of all "friends". Backstabbers tend to wait awhile before making their move. They usually make it toward the top of one's friend hierarchy by the time their true selves hatch. The second they crack that shell, a backstabber will not waste time. With one unforeseen, impossibly fast, instantly fatal blow, they will do their best to crush all of one's happiness. Symptoms of backstabbers include telling others' secrets, boyfriend stealing, and public humiliation.

If you find yourself entangled in a "friend"-ship with any of the above characters, I would like to offer my condolences, as would the rest of the world, I'm sure. For a safe departure from friendship hell, locate the exit nearest to you, and BOOK IT! If necessary, stop, drop, and roll. Then start down your road to recovery and new, better friends.

Join the Discussion

This article has 2 comments. Post your own now!

Waka $inamon:) said...
Sept. 13, 2011 at 9:07 am
This isn't an article. It is A SURVIAL GUIDE!
DMeister said...
Apr. 6, 2011 at 9:25 am
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