They say that you never know what it feels like to do or experience certain things until they happen to you. And I believed that for the most part. But there were amazing actors and actresses out there that could reenact these things with such perfection and emotion... you feel you are there. And you think you understand the emotional things in life... and how to cope. But the truth is just what they say... you will never fully know until it happens to you. I had never lost anyone before. I was the lucky one. To an extent. I had a broken family... but I still had both my parents. I am extremely close to my mom, but my dad and I had never gotten along. Which makes things ten times worse. I had never known the feeling of lose. Or feeling of knowing I would never see someone on earth ever again. And that feeling is horrible. Actually, I don’t think horrible is the right word. I don’t even know the right word... I don’t think there is a word. It’s something that can happen months before where you are right now... and it will still hit you like a ton of bricks. It weighs you down with so much emotion... it literally drains you of everything you have. All your defenses... all your emotion. You are a brick wall waiting for that person you have lost to come and give you a huge hug. And that’s when you weaken completely. When you realize and remember that they won’t come and hug you. They won’t appear knocking on your door to tuck you in goodnight. They’ll be up watching you from a place where you can’t see them... you can only feel them. And as much as people tell me that we will meet again one day... it has no effect or help. And then it’s over. That feeling leaves you and you move on with your life. Sometimes forgetting about it... and the fact that it even happened. And that’s why it comes back full force... because it’s something we forget... something we shove aside... so we can make it through.
Feeling of Lose
November 22, 2009