All Bottled Up

June 2, 2009
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I myself cannot cope with my problems. I let them sit and one on top of another, like building blocks, they pile up. Before I know it I have a structure inside me. It is a structure built upon a foundation of hate and anger. After this has peaked I need to vent… but on what or who. The sad answer is anyone and everything including myself. I do things to hurt other people and myself… not physically but mentally. I purposely hurt people’s feelings. I do things that cripple myself in school. For example I do not do my schoolwork in spite of my mother who nags me constantly. I have become what I hated as a child. I have become a burn out loser. I’m 18 with no job or desire to get one. I should do schoolwork but I would much rather be with my friends. They are the only people that matter to me other than my two brothers. I have so many thoughts racing through my head, none of which would make sense to anyone. I suffer from depression on my own account that I do not take my medication. I have no self-pity nor do I ask for pity from anyone. I make decisions that will affect my life negatively for the remainder of it. This past year has destroyed my hope for anything I had going for me. Which wasn’t much to begin with.

When I was a child my father many things that I apply to my everyday life and some that I completely ignore. The most important thing he taught me was… What goes around comes around. Meaning simply, you get what you give. Lately I haven’t been giving a lot, not getting too much either. Those word are probably the most difficult things to understand and accept. If I gave what I got my whole life, the people on the receiving end would be greatly disappointed. My everyday life consist of being rudely waken, sent to a place that I hate so much I can’t stand it sometimes, then I go back to the “home”… some home that is. It’s a roof over my head and not a single thing more to me. I hate being home. The constant bickering and blame… just kind of puts the icing on the cake. Every chance I get to leave my house I’m gone in a split second. I don’t wave or look back only because it will be later that night when I return I will be asked a million questions and blamed for a thousand things. Hate is a strong word and should never be directed towards a person… but for gods sake I really dislike the place I’m in at the place I’m at.I'm a happier person now, but there are bumps in everyones road. You just have to have the right tires.

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Aaroka said...
Mar. 6, 2011 at 3:58 pm

I really liked this! 


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