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Bieber Sells Out, Usher Acquires New Slave
Our national security has been breached. The last time we faced a threat as severe as this was during the Cold War when Soviet genius Robert Hansen infiltrated the C.I.A. However, a new danger has come to life that makes what Hansen did look like child’s play.
I am of course talking about Justin Bieber, that miniature Canadian package of death, destruction and despair.
All right, he might not be a Canadian spy attempting to stage a coup de grace during our current state of economic weakness, but I assure you, he’s the worst thing that has happened to our country since the assassination of JFK. While his crimes may not be trading confidential information to America’s enemies or assassinating presidents, they are just as severe--selling out.
Bieber made his debut in late 2007as a young and innocent YouTube star singing popular hip-hop songs in a cute prepubescent voice. At the time, this was all fine and good. America was founded on the principle that every man, woman, child and funny animal has the right to publicly humiliate themselves on YouTube, and I do need to give credit where credit is due--the kid is an exceptional singer. At age 13, Justin was on his was thalassic more views than laughing babies and Charlie, the finger biter.
Then disaster struck. Upon discovering Bieber’s talent, Justin Timberlake and Usher entered a battle of epic proportions for his soul--Usher beat out Timberlake, but it was clear that in actuality, Bieber is the true loser.
In October of 2008, Justin Bieber signed to Island Records and gave up his pride, his dignity and any chance he had at making good music.
So Bieber signed to Island Records and in one short year he had his first album released, My World. From the opening track of My World, “One Time,” it its clear that any aspiration Bieber had at being an artist were traded for fame, and in the immortal words of Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder, “And lots of money…playa.” But the extent of decimation of Bieber’s potential and childhood innocence cannot be seen until you watch the video for this work of “art.”
The set up for the video--Bieber is “holding down the house” for Usher while he’s out--Bieber precedes to make a fool of himself for four minutes of awkward dancing wit h girls he doesn’t have a chance with. The reason he doesn’t have a shot with these girls is simple--no disrespect for J.B., but statutory rape is generally frowned upon in our society.
And as if this music video isn’t demeaning enough, Bieber was somehow convinced by his mentor Usher and Island Records to do a second video for another song on My World, “One Less Lonely Girl,” in which Bieber sets up a scavenger hunt for another girl who most likely isn’t legally allowed to have sexual intercourse with him.
The only thing more demeaning than Bieber making her a card that says “I will buy you expensive chocolate” is the undisputable fact that he is wearing pink lipstick.
I have immense respect for anyone who can sing half as well as Bieber. I am not simply hating on the kid because he is millions of years younger than me and probably already made more money than I will make in my lifetime. No, I hate on Bieber because he sold out. His future had potential that was squandered away in exchange for being bros with Usher. He is already an arrogant little twerp at the age of 15, I shudder to think what kind of “music” that narcissism will be putting out five years from now.
So, ladies, while you fall in love with Bieber’s manufactured and those puppy dog eyes of his and that cute smile, just know, you are the reason our parents get to proudly and defiantly name The Stones, Dylan, and Zeppelin as the greats of their time--while we’re stuck with embarrassingly mumbling Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus, and Bieber as the greats of ours.