Once again I walk into my counselor's office. This time its different. The first time I came to talk to Claire, I was sacred and unbelievably anxious. I didn't know what to expect with meeting this new person. All I thought was she expected me to tell her my whole life story and more. Except I don't know how to put everything into words. I walked into her office, sit down and all I smell is lavender. That smell of lavender is so calming. Her office is so relaxing and comfortable. The temperature is always perfect, never too hot or too cold. To this day all I know is this place changed me and helped me figure myself out. Meeting someone new that expects you to say everything about yourself is difficult. Claire asked so many questions that I couldn't even answer about myself. At The beginning going to Claire was just for me to be able to vent and just to talk to someone. After I walked out the first time, I thought it wasn't bad and I'd try it out again.
The next time it was a little different. She expected more from me. She expected me to explain my problems and why I wasn't happy. But I didn't know, I couldn't even tell her or put everything into words. My mind went blank. Many times after that I would walk into her office knowing I had nothing to say, especially when she would ask how life was going. She knew everything about me, just not about everything bad in life or the reasons why i was unhappy. I didn't even understand the reasons myself, I couldn't figure it out. Each appointment it was all about me, not her. We would sit there in silence, not knowing what else to say. She expected me to explain everything I was feeling. I would say everything was good and i was happy. I would explain I had no problems and life was going good, but it was all a lie. I was lying not just to her but to myself. I'm terrible at communicating and expressing my feelings, instead I keep my feelings in and pretend everything is fine.
The last time I had walked into her office, she knew exactly what I had done these past couple weeks. I wasn't myself, I did things she would never expect. Bad things. She looked at me in such disappointment, expecting me to tell her everything. I knew i had done wrong. But for the first time I knew exactly what to say. I told her I had been lying this whole time, I wasn't happy at all. Instead of talking to her I expressed my unhappiness through other things. I was so ashamed of myself knowing the wrong I had done. Through serious drugs I hid my unhappiness hoping itd cure me. But instead it made everything worse. After we had talked I realized i have to find happiness through positive things. I am the only person that can make myself happy.
Claire has changed my life, she opened my eyes and helped me realize what's really important in life. Happiness only comes from yourself not through drugs or negative things. The only person that can help you is yourself.