A Gift

February 28, 2013
Drugs are my cunning bitter sweet enemy! I remember being an angry little kid and unable to express the bubbling emotions building inside my stomach. I was 13 when I let the binding peer pressure press me into the suffocating corner of drugs. When I took my first burning lung full of smoke, I could feel the fear of my heart knocking on my chest start to subside. I could feel the strain of my stress start to release its hugging grip on my body; I could finally relax. In that vivid moment, I can remember I thought I found the key to happiness. As I continued to indulge in my self destructive habits, drugs slowly ate away at my morals and took all joy in my life. My mind was a dwelling obsession of finding ways to obtain and use drugs. I thought that drugs were my happiness, but it reality they caused most of my sadness. Drugs turned into heavy baggage that I refused to put down. I couldn't go anywhere or do anything unless I was under the influence. I became so afraid of life and emotions that I buried them deep into my roughing core. Every time I felt my emotions trying to regurgitate themselves from the back tar abyss a swallowed them too; I would press them back down with the numbing fire of substances. I buried and ran from everything I could. I was so afraid of facing my fears, my mistakes and my emotions. I couldn't bear the thought of being clean because I became so dependent on drugs. Drugs were the ultimate plan escape from life! It was fast and instantaneous. The bad thing was, once I started running from everything, I couldn't stop; or else it would all catch up to me. Soon enough getting high wasn't good enough. It got harder and harder to run from myself. I tried new things, old things and even mixing things; but with no success. I spent a lot of my time chasing what I called 'the perfect high.' The perfect high took be straight to oblivion. I wasn't scared of anything and I was euphoric. I became paranoid and inherited irrational phobias on my drug binges. As I look back on those awful times I remember being up to my nose in my denial. I couldn't admit that I had a problem. I didn't want to believe that drugs were my problem. I externalized everything. All I did was point the finger. As I pointed and externalized everything one everyone else I had three fingers pointing back at myself. There was a time in my sick, twisted ways where I thought I was invincible and fearless. I thought I knew anything and everything, I was such and ignorant, egotistical little girl! My dad would bag me to stay home. I brought him to tears with my actions and things I said to him under the influence. It honestly kills me inside to remember how heartless and cold drugs made me to everyone. I was selfish, I was mean, I was a liar, I was risky I was everything you could imagine. Drugs changed me into a person that I never wanted to be. I lost all since of self and dignity! I lost all morals and self worth. I became a monster inside. I couldn't bare to look at myself in the mirror. Deep down I knew what I was doing was wrong but the monster inside ingrained itself into my core. Drugs slowly ate me from the inside out. I felt like I was walking on raw nerves. When I hit my bottom, my hard cold ROCK bottom, something clicked in my head. When the cops put the tight cold cuffs around my dainty wrists and gave my the right to remain silent, I knew that I needed to change. No this was not my first time being in the cop car nor the first time sitting in the police station but it was the first time I had to look long and hard at myself. Everyone was done giving me chances. I had to learn the hard way. I was arrested and had my first and only drug charge. Every single thing I ran from, every emotion I pushed away busted out and pounded at my head all at once. I had to sit with myself in silence, clean...
Clean, Myself clean and sober, I never thought I would ever be! I am grateful for that day I was arrested or else I wouldn't be here CLEAN today! I made a lot of changes in my life along with a lot of discoveries about myself. I really want to help teens with drug addiction. Its hard to be young and sober, it truly is especially because of peer pressure, but what I wanna say is that it is possible! I remember back when I was actively using when I heard people say 'don't do drugs, they are bad!' But its true, they are bad! I use to think that I was inadvisable and that it wouldn't happen to me or I will never get that bad. Drugs took over gradually. For me and the more I use the greater my denial became! Anyone and everyone could tell me until they were blue in the face that drugs are bad don't do them, but I wouldn't listen because I thought that I knew it all. If I could I would stop everyone from using them! Drug addiction is a serious thing and It kills me to know that people still suffer out there! I want to give away what was freely given to me and that is the girt of being sober!

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