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The Proposal of a Small-Minded Man
Now today we are to discuss the absolute grotesque horror of finding true love. It is truly revolting to look out the window and see happy couples hand in hand walking down the street. It is enough to make a person sick, honestly who do those people think they are falling in line with their biological code; it is a complete and utter outrage! Why should we, the faithful, honest, and god-fearing people of this society, have to endure the absolute agony of having to walk amongst people who have found love within in their own sex?
My brothers and sisters a man with a man and woman with a woman is a downright abomination! It is a truly sad circumstance that we have to be aware that there are degenerates out there who have the temerity to be confident in who they are and how they were “made”. While those deviants are out there, trying to make peace with us and trying to make the world a better for their kind, we must stand up and fight! After all, OUR God would not want us to make peace and love those hedonists, they are distorting his very purpose by saying he loves and will save all. Who do they think they are, praying to OUR God for help, he is here for us, the pure men of society? (It is possible he is here for our women as well, we haven’t established that yet.) They might as go off with good-for-nothing Buddhists, they are all about peace, right? Now we must find a way to rid ourselves of these so called lovers, the bunch of radical hippies. As Atticus Finch said in To Kill a Mocking Bird, a powerful novel about faith and contemptible men’s rightful place, “We must hound them from our midst for they ARE unfit to live with!”
Now if we cannot fully extradite these vile creatures from our presence we must do our best to revert them to their original state of being, like us, without sin. Do not be confused these sickly men and women do not deserve our help, or our time, however it may be the best we can do. After all evil has powers that good would not dare posses. We must begin with an intense reading of the Bible, show them the passages that talk about how much God truly despises them, how they can never experience the Holy Ghost if they remain lost in their sinful ways. Then after they have memorized every last verse of the Bible they will move on to therapy, which will be provided by our very own Pastor Ted Haggard. He will speak with them about their truly immoral and explicit activities, if he can bear to think of them at all. If he cannot we will introduce him to a young man who will one day become president, Rick Perry. Then we will have them sent to either a convent or a monastery, hopefully a few days locked in a compound with people only of the opposite sex will do them some good. Finally we will have them tied up a thrown down into a river, if they free themselves we know they are no longer disgusting homosexuals. (This is a ceremony that was performed on suspected lesbians during something referred to as the Salem Witch Trials; I have no idea as to how this name came about.) Hopefully this extensive process will be enough to return them to the glory of God and for God to grant us favor for returning them to their innocent and obedient ways.
Now the most prominent issue we must tackle: the gays being allowed to participate in OUR tradition of holy matrimony. It is an absolute scandal and disgrace! These gluttons cannot possibly imagine what it is to be truly wed. When you look into that other person’s eyes at the altar and you think, “My God, have I found my perfect wife, the one who will respect and obey me for as long as we both shall live?” It is an amazing feeling, one that every man deserves to experience. However the gays can never feel that way, for when they look into each others’ eyes they find love, peace, and a future they most desperately desire. They probably experience lust as well, those filthy profligates, do they not know that only time you are to lay with another is order to procreate until you have received a strong and worthy son? However that is beside the point, gays are not, and will never be, equal in this United States of America, and it is our right to maintain that reality. Do they really think that the government would ever ensure equality for all? Oh how ignorant those poor people are. There may be many states, who have already signed off on this unholy and unjust gay marriage law, but faith will prevail, and we will soon be back to our prejudice and unfair justice system that we all know and love. And even if our government betrays and maintains this evil law, we at least have assurance that in God’s eyes the marriages will not be legitimate, for they were born of the gays’ selfish hopes of having the right to be married under law AND God.
So now that you have heard my humble proposal you have no choice to see that I am correct in every manner possible. These dissipaters who say all they want is peace, are really out to corrupt us. Their brain-washing our children and next they’ll be trying to brain wash us. We have plenty of proof, have you seen the Jonas Brothers? They do not look alike at all and they all live on the same tour bus! They are assuredly the beginning of a homosexual cult out to get to our kids because they cannot have ones of their own. What about those girls Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana? They say that they are really one girl, but how can that be?! One girl has blond hair and the other one is a brunette, they are most certainly “in love”, and trying to hide it from us. However we have outsmarted them, these people are imbeciles of our society and we could not expect them to anticipate that we would figure them out. So in order to protect ourselves and our children we must take precautions against them. The easiest thing I can tell you to do now is to not allow your children to watch Disney Channel, it might as well be the Devil’s programming!
I suppose that is the end for now, although believe me I have much left to say. However I do not believe I have the time or patience to write it all down for you, for I wish not to waste my own precious time; however it is for your benefit, people of America, that I write this. We are the United States, the great melting pot; let us not allow our pot to be full of gumbo though but full of straight and pure beef broth. You have been warned of the dangers of the gays and you have been instructed on how to convert them to a godly standing, so O beg you, no, I command you to do what needs to be done. Do not allow these people to think that they are higher than others and able to live above God’s Ten Commandments, specifically the ones that read:
Thou shall honor those better and more holy than you.
Thou shall only covet those of the opposite sex.
Thou shall not commit adultery, unless you are in great need to, and it only may be with ones of the opposite sex.
You are now ready to take these hedonistic people by storm and save them or destroy them, do whatever is necessary to save the world for all of mankind, and mankind’s women. Just like it reads in To Kill a Mocking Bird; “In the name of God, do your duty. In the name of God, bestialize all deviant gays.”
Now since we are on the topic of deviants, let us discuss those despicable Catholics….