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A Petition to Increase Happiness

By , Rifle, CO
They are everywhere amongst us, disguised as normal, almost rational teenagers, and young adults. They have several distinguishing characteristics however that will make the institution of the following plan simple, and effective. Most of them prefer to wear dark, tight clothing, and have their hair covering one of their eyes. Such things are absurd. One cuts off circulation, and the other destroys depth perception. The most distinguishing feature is scars and scabs stretching across the forearm. This specimen is known in popular culture as the emo.

An emo feels the need to cut themselves to escape the pressures of their own emotions. This behavior finally culminates in suicide. Altogether it is a life devoid of purpose, signifying nothing more than a deep depression that the individual had no right to attain. Most emos live in a first world country. They have plentiful food, clean water, and a sheltered place to sleep. Yet they find a way past this apparent happiness. This can be put to the good of the country through the implementation of emo concentration camps. By doing this the general air of malaise and sadness will be lifted, and the country will gain an economic boost from what has just become free labor.

America is home to over 300,000,000 people. Among them, the emo used to be rather rare. In recent years the group has experienced growth. What was once obscure is now coming close to being accepted. This must not be allowed to happen. As their numbers increase, so will the demand for their particular taste in music. We all know these bands. Their music consists of the same three chords repeated over and over and over again. This is one of the main pathways through which the contagion is spread. With the emo’s removal, the music will soon be eliminated as well.

With the taking of their life, the emo causes a ripple effect. Their selfish action spreads to family and friends who are horrified by the mess left behind. If removed from their social circle, death with its cold hands will not touch those close to the person, out of sight out of mind. To accommodate this no letters will be permitted to travel between camp and home. The terrible newspaper headlines that serve no other purpose than to depress us will find themselves short of ammunition.

Being the democratic republic that we are, there exists no concentration camp. The construction of several institutions will require the work of many construction workers, who in today’s economic slump will gladly leap at the opportunity. The project should be able to supplement their income for several months. These prospects will create political pressure for the creation of a bill legalizing concentration camps.

Further supports will be seen from various charities. The first and foremost of these will be Locks of Love. In order for a person to receive the full concentration camp experience they must be shaved. All of this excess hair can be donated to create wigs for those who have undergone chemo therapy. Barbers will get to cut a lot of hair and cancer patients will get hair. The benefits of a concentration camp though not at first obvious, heavily outweigh possible drawbacks.

In the Nazi concentration camps forced labor was a major part of everyday life. Its American counterpart should be much the same. Human experimentation for controversial drugs will immediately become available. Much of the bureaucracy surrounding the introduction of new medicines will be eliminated. This could be potentially life saving.

Some might cry that a concentration camp would be inhumane. There however is a way to circumnavigate this that will leave even PETA without an argument. Entrance into the camp will be completely voluntary. Enrollment should soon be overflowing as the emo is desperate to escape their “terrible situation.” Once in the camp the emo will be subjected to the physical brutality that will distract them from any emotional torment. If a camper were to run away no chase would be necessary. The escapee would have learned that physical pain sucks, and will henceforth be a reformed emo. They will no longer be a menace to themselves and society.

Many people have emotional troubles. To go adding to them with self inflicted punishment is stupid. A concentration camp for those who practice this belief would drive this truth home. The other advantages that would be seen are secondary and only enhance the attractiveness of such a project. Friends don’t let friends be emo.



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This article has 6 comments. Post your own now!

Juli007 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jun. 26, 2010 at 5:03 pm
I could tell right away it was modeled after "A Modest Proposal!" I think it's brilliant! And I love how some people are taking it seriously and controversially. The title is great, too. It's mockery without being obvious. Maybe a disclaimer though? Although it ruins the effect of your piece, you might save some people from getting worked up, and essentially decrease the risk of heart attack or stroke. Good job! Keep it up!
 
bobun16 said...
Apr. 29, 2010 at 8:03 pm
I liked it.  I don't know if it goes far enough.  An emo forced to fight his way out of camp should be a happy emo indeed.
 
Nikki W. said...
Jan. 28, 2010 at 9:43 pm
Cutting does not culminate in suicide. People who experience this are often times actually depressed, a recognized medica condition. I agree that suicide is selfish, but some people have no one to turn to for help. Who are you to judge another's life? Would you feel the same if you found out this emo had been sexually assaulted by an uncle? Or if a close friend of theirs died? Emotions are a very complex things. Most cutters do NOT want to die. You seem to have very strong beliefs in this s... (more »)
 
F(r)iend replied...
Jan. 31, 2010 at 5:04 pm
This is satire. It was modeled after Jonathon Swift's "A Modest Propisition". Disturbing, yes. Hilariously funny, also yes.
 
Nick17 replied...
Jan. 31, 2010 at 6:31 pm
The problem is, you have not said it was not serious anywhere in your article. People are, by nature, impressionable. What if somebody were to read this, and take it seriously?
I know people who think like this. It's not funny at all. Not a bit.
 
F(r)iend said...
Dec. 21, 2009 at 11:42 am
Feed back, I needs it!
 
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