Trump's Tiny Hands

January 11, 2018
By jenlaurenbanks BRONZE, Palm City, Florida
jenlaurenbanks BRONZE, Palm City, Florida
1 article 0 photos 0 comments

Unless you live under a rock, you have seen Trump plastered over every news source available to man. Typically, it is articles about how much he hates Mexico and China, or perhaps on his friendship with Putin. We tend to focus on what he has to say or what he does, but there are issues much more pressing than that, issues darker than the orange shade of his skin. Forget asking why he thinks global warming is a hoax created by China, let’s ask him the real question: Why are your hands so small?


There are millions of theories, but I have selected the three most reasonable of them all: Maybe two children, one sitting atop the other, have been fooling us into thinking they are a grown man this entire time. Or, he’s actually a robot made by Russia, taking over America from the inside. Another possibility is that hand size determines your ability to run a country.


We have all seen the classic prank used by kids to trick others into believing they’re actually adults: one kid is on the bottom, covered by a trench coat or other clothing item, and their friend stands on their shoulders. Perhaps our own president is the biggest prankster of all. It would explain a lot if Trump is truly just two kids joking around. Think about it: his constant temper tantrums, his immaturity, and most importantly, his tiny hands. For example, here are some of his past statements: “I’d like to punch him in the face, I tell ya.”, “The beauty of me is that I’m very rich.”, “My IQ is one of the highest — and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure; it’s not your fault.”, and “I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her”. Even his response to people questioning his hand size was suspiciously childlike: “My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body.” These are only things a pubescent teen boy could come up with. Spend some time in a middle school boys’ locker room and it will practically feel like you are at a Trump rally. This is one prank that has gone on far too long. Wake up America! We have been fooled.


Another possible theory is that our dear, sweet Trump is not human at all, but rather a robot. We all know Trump’s close relationship with Russia. However, maybe it is a little too close. The Russian government could very easily have hired top scientists to build a robot that is nearly undetectable amongst our human brethren, sent him into the U.S., devised an entire back-story for him(birth certificate, family, kids), and gotten him into the presidency by rigging the system. Their only fault: his hand size. They likely ran out of materials to form adult hands, so they opted for kiddy size. They thought we would not notice. I would say the FBI should do a very thorough investigation to Trump’s ties with Russia.


Perhaps Trump’s hand size is in direct correlation with his presidential ability. Think about the hand size of past presidents. Barack Obama had large hands, Theodore Roosevelt had large hands, and John F. Kennedy had large hands. America’s biggest mistake of all was choosing Trump over Bernie Sanders, who had much larger hands in comparison. To further support this theory, Richard Nixon’s hands were also below average in size and he was the first president ever to leave office, proving his lack of skill. Could this be foreshadowing Trump’s future? We all know that, to qualify as president, you must be a natural born citizen, 35 years of age, and a resident of the U.S. for fourteen years. Maybe another requirement to become president should be to have reasonably sized hands.


We will not know the true reasoning behind Trump’s petite phalanges until further research is done, but we have solid theories. However, maybe we should not hold it against him. Maybe we should all give him a chance. After all, just as we did not choose our race, gender, sexuality, or level of poverty, he did not choose his hand size. I think we could all try practicing a little empathy. After all, I would be that angry too if I was a grown man with baby hands.


The author's comments:

 I wanted to create a piece as absurd as Trump, and the abnormal size of our lovely President's hands inspired me.


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evanjer said...
on Jan. 17 at 4:56 pm
This is the kind of thing we want teens to do...enter the conversation...and by all means VOTE when your time comes!!! Don't drag your feet there because you inherit this world. It's yours to shape and make it right. WE COUNT ON YOU!

TerryG said...
on Jan. 17 at 8:15 am
Great article, Jen! You expertly wrapped humor in with the reality of who Trump is as a person and president.
Keep up the good work!

TDon said...
on Jan. 17 at 7:22 am
Well written and very funny! Enjoyable read.

on Jan. 16 at 9:38 pm
Spot on and funny. And remember that little tiny hand may be related to having a little tiny brain and little tiny thoughts. Please vote in 2018 and 2020 everyone and let’s end this madness

Yosusan said...
on Jan. 16 at 9:26 pm
So much insight for a teenager! She has a great sense of humor. I think a career in politics or writing may be in this authors future!


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