Whew, That Was a Close Call: Woman Almost Makes It to a Position of Power

November 12, 2017
By Nkattan BRONZE, Tempe, Arizona
Nkattan BRONZE, Tempe, Arizona
1 article 0 photos 0 comments

Voters across the country sat at the edge of their seats on November 8, 2016 closely watching the news, listening to the radio, and refreshing their Twitter and Facebook feedsas the country came close to suffering—for the second election in a row—a disaster: A female president.

Nine years ago, the United States dodged a bullet when Crooked Clinton failed to become the Democratic presidential candidate. Last year, America trembled at the close call bewteen her and our honorable president Donald Duck, whom we are now blessed to call the leader of our country. What would have happened if Mrs. Clinton had won? Well, some would say, the country would never recover.

Disobeying her husband, Billy Bob Clinton, for the second time, Mrs. Clinton decided to run for office. Deliberately or not, she started a powerful movement creating a headache for the men who already had too much to worry about. With her campaign she awakened the untamable beasts, otherwise known as feminists.

“They are out of control,” reported Fake News, which accurately kept up with the events of the election. “We gave them a right to education and allowed them to work. They should be satisfied with that. US citizens fear that if a woman were to get her hands on the Oval Office, she would change society’s norms, creating chaos. Unbelievable.”

Just imagine for a second: A woman as president? How could that be? That’s no place for woman—obviously. A woman belongs in the kitchen. If she were to go to work, who would cook dinner or pack the kids’ lunchboxes? They would starve, which would affect America’s population and hinder the future of our country, creating an even bigger problem. A woman belongs in the car where she coordinates carpools with the other moms. This helps the environment as the feminists’ cousins, the environmentalists, say that global warming is real and that carpooling is a way to help the environment. Our earth would die if women weren’t available for carpools. The men can’t step in for carpooling because they must attend to even more urgent business, like multibillion international arms deals and sports contracts.

A woman belongs next to her husband at a dinner party, smiling politely and talking him up to his boss. A position of status or high power is no place for her. She needs to support her spouse, as he is the moneymaker of the family. If she was responsible for a part of a company, or let alone a whole country, all hell would break loose—literally. She would continuously ask her employees if they thought her dress made her look fat or if they cared about her. Not to mention the emotion that would be used to make crucial decisions. Madame Prez would make a trade deal with our country’s biggest partners or declare war on our enemies, but change her mind about it all the next day.

The United States should take necessary steps to ensure that no woman will make it to position of power, simply because women are incapable of doing the job as well as men.

If a woman became president, things would change. There may be equal pay. Or maybe the objectification and harassment of women would be replaced by appreciation and value. What a spolier this loss of objectification would be fore men, depriving them of an important release of ego and tension built up from ruining, I mean running, the world. Maybe more Planned Parenthood clinics would open or more pregnant women would keep working while starting a family. Voters wondered what it would be like to have women higher up in the social hierarchy, where they are undeniably and completely equal to men. At that thought, they shuddered and reassured themselves it would be impossible.

A few days after Election Day, protests erupted. The women were angry—It must have been that time of the month again.

“I’m just relieved she didn’t win, or else it would have been a dark time in the United States,” says a Donald Duck supporter wearing a “grab them by the pussy” t-shirt. “To think that the United States was going to be able to take a significant step towards implementing the values that give all their citizens equal rights and opportunities regardless of sex. The thought of this happening is terrifying, and people are showing genuine concern.”

This was a close call for our country. Citizens are now relaxed as the threat of a female president is no longer looming over them. But they need to be careful, one never knows when the feminists will plan to strike again. There are already protests rumbling and rumors of a plan to kidnap Donald Duck and overtake the White House. So the government must take action. These women need to be stopped. The perfect way to do that is to create feminist police who will go around the country, collect all the feminists, and take them to a center where they will be forced to go through a two week intensive program to de-feminize them. A new movement will be implemented. We can call it the “Defeminization of the 21st Century”— exactly what the United States needs.

The author's comments:

For this essay I decided to write a satirical piece commenting on the treatment of women and their position in the social hierarchy of the United States. Something I found rewarding was being able to write sarcastically as my own humor that I use in my daily life is mostly sarcasm, so writing this was enjoyable. Additionally, I am passionate about women’s rights and equality between sexes, and my passion allowed me to express my views and address an important issue important to me.

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