WASHINGTON-- Static played over the walkie-talkies gifted to the most essential societal members by the President of the United States. This could only mean one thing: another essential national problem that needed a solution immediately. It was go time for the A-Team’s next mission.
“Crrrcht…POTUS to A-Team…crrrcht…come in,” Donald Trump’s voice squawked over the secure channel. The best doctors, most daring scientists, smartest politicians, hottest supermodels, and, of course, Mike Tyson, Hulk Hogan, and Kid Rock all immediately ran to their walkie-talkies to respond. The sound of a helicopter could be heard overhead by each imperative societal member and they knew it was time.
Everyone jumped into their special ride and flew towards the Pentagon, their special base for every top-secret mission. Once the entire A-Team had arrived, they assembled themselves around a huge table and put on their red baseball caps to signify they were ready to “Make America Great Again.” This was where they had made all of their other amazing solutions to America’s biggest problems, such as the wall and immigrations laws that will forcing out all non-whites. They chatted amongst themselves but fell silent as their president walked in, ready to deliver the next big mission.
Trump raised his hand in front of him and pointed around the table as he spoke. “As you may know, depression rates are at an all-time high in America. The primary population affected is our teenagers and young adults. This makes us look weak; we need a way to lower these rates. It’s go time!” Trump finished the mission by closing his hand into a fist and enthusiastically pounding the table. Everyone around the table immediately began shouting out ideas and Trump nodded while slyly smiling as he silently excused himself.
Sources confirm that after hours of deliberation, the A-Team came up with a solution and called back their leader to announce their plan. They decided that the best solution to the rise in teen depression was to murder Americans once they reached the age of fifteen. Nothing made more sense. The A-Team googled it and found that depression typically starts to develop around that time in a person’s life, and lately more people are developing it early on, creating the rise in the depression rates. Therefore, if we murder all Americans before they can develop poor mental health, the depression rates will go down exponentially!
It was reported that they have already created a written proposal of their potential new law to be presented to and voted on by the other branches of United States’ government. The proposal outlines the obvious pros of the law to murder fifteen-year-olds and creates viable loopholes to reject any cons.
One possible main con is that we would stop population growth completely in America if we murder EVERY fifteen-year-old. But the plan is to not murder some of the important teenagers. If their parents are in the top thirty percent of wealth in America or top twenty percent of IQ, the teenagers will be given a mental health test at age fifteen and if they pass, they will be allowed to live into adulthood. This way, American society will improve by having only positively influential members. This solution will improve overall mental health in America and will create more engaged and productive society members.
Additionally, if some teenagers develop depression prior to turning fifteen, this law would also drop the suicide rates due to poor mental health among teens because they would know that they were going to get killed anyway. And then students would also want to excel academically prior to reaching fifteen, if they had the desire to live, so that they could have a high IQ. This would also positively benefit society because children who are not depressed would have a strong desire to succeed.
The A-Team’s plan will reportedly be constructive to society, and there is high confidence within the group that the law will be passed, like all their others. So, for now, we wait for the appeal on this legislation and the A-Team has had yet another complete mission.