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The New Declaration of Independence

When in the course of human events, it is inevitable that one people will order food for delivery a multitude of times, for the option to have food delivered to one’s house is not only a convenience, but a luxury of the highest form, and a service for which the executor of the delivery should be rewarded, but only by the order of a single fee. The presence of both the obligatory tip and the delivery fee is unnecessary, and the latter should be terminated. Delivery fees are excessive and an offense to the deliverer, for many misinterpret the fee as a tip and leave the driver without a cent. After all, shouldn’t we be tipping delivery drivers out of the kindness of our hearts? We are bombarded by the fee of delivery whenever we want a quick meal when feeling lazy. I order tons of food, and I am more likely to order from a place with no delivery charge. So why do some restaurants still require delivery fees? We are disgusted by the trickery of the large corporate heads trying to scam us out of a couple extra dollars. We have the right to not pay the delivery fee if we are choosing to tip the driver. We have the right to not tip the driver at all if he is deliberately late, rude, has disregarded specific delivery instructions, or has damaged our food. We have the right to transform the delivery fee into a baseline amount for an average tip. Delivery drivers have the right to all extra money made from a customer that is not the price of the food. To prove that all people hold the above rights, I’m going to drop some bombs of knowledge.

Heretofore, I thought that the delivery fee was the driver’s tip. After he had left, I looked on the pizza box and it said in bold letters, “Delivery Fee is Not the Driver’s Tip.” I was so hurt. This poor man had to drive all the way to my house. And for what? Nothing. He did not earn one penny off of me. I cried for days.


Heretofore, my food costed roughly $15. I only had a $20. So of course, the driver had to be worth my $5 tip. I put in the order instructions, “Send the hottest delivery driver.” Thirty minutes later my doorbell rang, and excited to meet the possible love of my life, I bounded to the door. When I opened the door, some crusty man with greasy hair was standing there. I did not tell him to bring change, so I had to give a crusty man $5. My house is not even that far from the restaurant. I was angry.


Heretofore, I ordered a sandwich from a restaurant located on the opposite side of town, but I did not realize the distance the driver had to travel in order to give me my food. As a result, I only gave the driver a $2 tip. This unjust situation could have been prevented if the restaurant had a reasonable baseline fee in place of the delivery fee, taking into account the distance from my house to the restaurant. To this day, I cannot sleep at night thinking about the extra $3 that the driver could have had.


Heretofore, I ordered Chinese food and had a $20 bill to cover the cost of the food and the tip for the deliverer. When the driver arrived and repeated my total, I realized that with the delivery cost, I would not have enough money to tip the driver. Because the delivery fee is a requirement and tipping the driver is not, I was forced to leave the deliverer without compensation for his service.

With our new freedom from delivery fees, we will be able to live a happier life. We will not have to worry about having enough money to tip the driver and pay for the food. We will not have to throw extra money into multi-million international companies. We have the power to tip delivery drivers what we see fit, based on performance. We will have a baseline on how much we should tip drivers based on our location. We solemnly declare and officialize our freedom from inequitable fees on delivery, and therefore absolve any requirement to pay such fees.






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