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Darn You Government

Anyone not frozen like Captain America for over a century should know the United States government is drowning in trillions of dollars of debt. Nineteen trillion to be exact. Despite the millions of Americans clamoring for the government to fix this seemingly irreparable problem, for some reason the government has not yet poofed its wand to make the nineteen trillion dollars vanish. Is the problem really insurmountable though? Upon closer inspection, turns out the solution is as simple as one plus one: decrease spending and increase taxes at the same time.


There are three basic socioeconomic classes in America: the top one percent that Bernie Sanders emphasized so much in the recent Democratic election that it became a “meme,” the middle class that makes up the majority of the population, and the lower class hovering near the poverty line. Each should be taxed more in order to fix the problem at hand. Even though our favorite socialist politician incidentally turned inequality into a joke, the inequality in America is no laughing matter. Millions of people have heard their calls for a more equal America go unheard—till now. With my plan, not anymore America.


The inequality problem is simple: the top one percent own nearly half of the population’s wealth. Why not change that? Simply tax that one percent so much that their after-tax income is equal to the median citizen’s income. With my plan, even the kind, loving, politically-correct orange haired billionaires who run for president won’t be able to evade tax paying duties. This tax money rapidly shreds the debt numbers, while the rich can go down in the history books as the heroic saviors of our great nation. Who needs money anyway? Equality is where it’s at! Clearly a win-win situation.


Would it be fair to increase taxes on just the rich though? No. This is why the middle and lower classes must be taxed to death as well. Some may say that the middle class will be less inclined to spend money if they have less, but that is foolish. We are Americans after all, so it would be ridiculous to pick logic over a pair of Uggs! As for the lower class, they will suffer a little more, falling under the poverty line with not enough money for even basic sustenance. Oh well, you can’t win every battle. Who says, after all, that the government has some sort of duty to protect and help all three hundred million citizens just because they live on our soil? Darwin would be proud of this taxation method, as his motto “survival of the fittest” would live on. Furthermore, by not providing for as many people, the overcrowding problem is indirectly fixed too! I mean, who wouldn’t want less cars on the highway at peak hour, or less people in front of them in the long lines at grocery stores? Now, the rich people can not complain that they are being singled out and unfairly taxed, as everybody is being unfairly taxed!
You must be thinking, what will all this extra government revenue go towards? Absolutely nothing! Except paying off debts of course. Contrary to almost every school of thought in economics, the extra revenue will not go towards extra spending.


In fact, two large chunks of government spending can actually be completely eliminated. The first is education. For years, people have been complaining about the lack of money and attention being put into the US education system that lags behind our competitors. Others say college is too expensive. I mean how could an institute where you stay for four years, get taught by top-class professors from around the world, and get tons and tons of resources for free be so expensive?? Cutting out education completely for a year or two will teach people to be grateful. During this two year long hiatus from learning, more people will join the workforce, meaning more people to tax. Woo!


Military spending is the other completely unnecessary category. Do we really need a military? After all, even the Bible says how words are as sharp as a sword. So the 6.2 million dollar bulldozing beasts, M1A2 tanks, and the flaming fast 150 million dollar F22 raptors can be simply discarded and replaced by harsh words. Where would you get harsh words, you ask? Simply ask the thousands of modern day hip hop rappers for a “bar” from a rap battle. Problem solved!


Clearly, the government has complicated a problem that is very simple to solve. One step is to raise taxes all across the board. When the Brits did it to us a few centuries ago to fund their wars all around the world, it worked out perfectly well. So why wouldn’t it work this time? Another step is to simply remove education from the budget temporarily to teach our citizens a lesson, and completely remove the military forever. Completely eliminating two of the largest components of spending while receiving boatloads of extra tax money will skyrocket the profit margin and slash the debt in no time.




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