A Modest Proposal: For Ensuring the Election of Public Officials by True Popular Vote to Promote Rep

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It is quite unfortunate that, in this modern time, the United States continues to elect dry, crusty old men and wrinkled little ladies to the most important positions in the land. Too often we are exposed to the faces of unknown people giving horribly boring speeches in equally dull outfits. I think that it is time for America's majority to rise up and finally stop the parade of intellectuals and established policy makers from entering office, halting the degradation of our fine nation. We must unite and elect celebrities so they might reign over our country, represent our opinions, and replace mundane CSPAN with amusing MTV.


With this goal in mind, I propose that the people of this fine nation prevent actual politicians from becoming our governors, representatives, and presidents. Electing those who are average citizens would allow for a better representation of the desires of the populace and would inhibit snobbish academics from passing laws that might claim to be for the good of America, but simply reflect their own elitist opinions of society. Famous personalities do, after all, embody the best and worst of humanity'they have enormous talent and caring as well as emotional breakdowns and substance abuse.


The few situations in which the popular vote delivered an acceptably popular official have yielded favorable results. California, that great land containing Hollywood, has elected actors Ronald Reagan and Arnold Schwarzenegger as governors, with the former becoming president. Both developed admirable policies based on their rapport with the general populace. After all, Reagan earned the title 'The Great Communicator' for his ability to connect with all Americans as well as foreign powers. Compare his skills to the supposed eloquence of Barack Obama, who uses too many large vocabulary words, and George W. Bush, whose convoluted phrases we can barely understand at all.


I believe that there are numerous advantages to electing celebrities to high office instead of dreary politicians. Firstly, by merit of preexisting fame and popularity, the costs of campaigning would be greatly reduced, eliminating the need for donations and increasing available capital for taxes. This would greatly add to the treasuries of the nation, reducing the massive debt and economic crisis that previous unpopular presidents and Congress members have left us.


Secondly, performers generally adhere to views advocating non-violence, children's rights, and environmental preservation. Their terms would thus be filled with maintaining peace and bettering the human race, as opposed to continuing torture, war, and taxes. Since many personalities in popular culture despise any trespasses on their privacy, wiretapping regimes would also be discontinued, to the great elation of the nation.


Thirdly, popular artists and actors are used to performing on demand and thus develop confidence when interacting with others, indicating an innate talent toward creating and strengthening relations with the leaders of other nations. Though this may seem unlikely, simply examine Japan's Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi's love of Elvis. I have it on good authority that 'Jessica Alba is so hot,' just like many other celebrities, so they should have no problem entrancing foreign leaders and enhancing their dealings with the Untied States. Such bonds will allow the achievement of universal peace and other goals listed above.


Fourthly, the United States entertainment industry is modeled globally and is a major export. Well-versed in the workings of the media, celebrities would therefore be the most qualified to ensure the survival of our greatest offering to the world: our movies, television, music, and popular culture. After considering the sorry fact that our technology experts all hail from other countries, our school system is abysmal, and our sports programs will fail in proportion to rising obesity rates, entertainment will be the one hope to maintain America's dominance over the world. As such, only the beautifully Photoshopped hands of models and musicians can be trusted to handle this vital business.


In analyzing recent trends, I have seen that we as a nation are gradually approaching this ideal state of governance. CNN.com, for example, lists Michelle Obama's inaugural wardrobe as one of the top concerns of women in the upcoming weeks. Repeated reports from other news sources detail Hillary Clinton's appalling pantsuits, Barack Obama's chiseled chest, and Tyra Banks' first lady photo shoot as some of the most important topics ever covered. In future elections, the reliance of politicians on celebrity support will be replaced by these megastars taking the power they so deserve and becoming major government officials. Britney Spears is more Googled than John McCain for a reason, after all. She is simply more popular. Her story of dancing, drama, and divorce resonates more with the American public than do public reforms or economic theory.


I admit that I was once confounded by this phenomenon, brainwashed as I was by too much schooling and not enough exposure to the media. While America is approaching the state of being a celebrity-run society, I have no hope of experiencing such a wondrous government within my lifetime. Instead, I humbly offer this proposal so that future generations might be aware of how much society must be changed before Johnny Depp sits in the Oval Office instead of the Kodak Theatre.





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