Magazine, website & books written by teens since 1989

“Women’s Bodily Functions for Dummies.”

Custom User Avatar
More by this author
I know I can’t be the only woman tired of hearing politically charged Congressmen making blunt, inappropriate statements about women’s reproductive rights. The cause of these remarks, dubbed the “War on Women,” by the media, is obvious-- in all their years of education, our Congressmen just do not understand female anatomy. Luckily, there’s a simple solution:

What this nation needs is to re-educate our poor, overworked, and deeply misinformed Congressmen. Here it is, folks, the course that will rock the country’s notion of gender equality-- “Women’s Bodily Functions for Dummies.” Dummies courses exist for calculus, physics, and even bird-watching; I’m pretty sure that understanding basic biology is far more important than admiring animals. If this course were taught to every elected Congressional official, our lawmakers might actually be qualified to make informed decisions.
This simple year-long program will begin with a basic biology course, giving particular emphasis to female anatomy. This curriculum will include a spotlight on the various diseases associated with each organ—breast cancer, cervical cancer, and of course, uterine disease. A special focus of this class should be on how birth control actually works. Men might think they understand how their bodies work, but they really ought to make an effort to understand how the
male body interacts the female body.
Imagine a lecture hall of no more than 50 anatomy-impaired 40+ year old Congress members (it is important to preserve a low student to faculty ratio) all dutifully learning information.
Of course, there are exceptions to every rule—every now and then, we find men knowledgeable about the female body. There will, of course be, a placement test. Those who pass can continue their careers, while those who fail, and trust me, there will be plenty of those, will take the crash course for dummies.
Finally, all members of Congress, namely the men, will need to go through an accelerated simulation of pregnancy. Why not make them go the whole nine yards? In fact, make it 9 months. Bring out those fake pregnancy pads too. Have each Congressman wear one of those attachments for the entire simulation, with the pad increasing in size to mimic an actual pregnancy.

The entire pregnancy should be accompanied by swollen feet, accomplished by fire ants, and don’t forget morning sickness which can be easily supplied with ipecac. Oh, and the final touch—hook them up to machines to simulate contractions. A whole six hours of endless pain. Every now and then, a man will be chosen at random to undergo a posterior birth, so the labor will be over 24 hours long. Hey, if you’re making decisions about a woman’s body, you might as well get the whole amazing, glowing journey.
Some might argue that this course is completely unnecessary, and of course, discriminatory because only CongressMEN will be expected to undergo the course. Well, considering the majority of Congress is made up of men, a significant portion of whom clearly have no clue how the female body works, this proposal is a perfectly valid way to simply educate them.
If this course is too much of a hassle, maybe there’s an even simpler solution— why not just let women make decisions about their own bodies?



Post a Comment

Be the first to comment on this article!




Site Feedback