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I Don't Want to Talk

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I don't want to talk about this. I don't want to put words on a page, pen to paper. I don't want to accept this. I don't want to think of the innocence that has been stolen from this world. I don't want to think about all the rose colored glasses that have been shattered. I don't want to think about the lives lost and ruined.

I don't want to think about the look in their eyes as they realized what was happening all around them. I don't want to imagine the screams. I don't want to know if they saw someone else lose their potential. I don't want to think about their best friends laying in front of them. I don't want to feel the survivor's guilt.

I don't want to know how it felt. I don't want to think of what could of been. I don't want to think of how the world would be benefitted from their brains and hearts. I don't want to feel their pain.

I don't want to think what it took to defend those children by throwing your life in front of theirs. I don't want to imagine how horrifying it was to try to distract them. I don't want to imagine playing dead to save yourself. I don't want to picture a march of survivors - their eyes shut, their small hands resting on the back of their trembling classmate.

I don't want to feel the panic. I don't want to imagine losing the one thing in this world that you love unconditionally. I don't want to hear the words from a cop, saying yours didn't make it out. I don't want to feel their stomachs clutch. I don't want to run out of all the air in my lungs. I don;t want to imagine the 18 people who went home broken beyond repair. I don't want to imagine telling them that their brother or sister is gone. I don't want to see their lives crash around them.

I don't want to imagine the intensity of the insanity. I don't want to see the dead, cold madness in his eyes. I don't want to address the pain he must of felt all his life. I don't want to see his face as he pulled down on that trigger.

I don't want to think of it anymore. I don't want to analysis the politics involved. I don't want to justify my views. I don't want to point out the flaws in his speech. I don't want to argue. I don't want to think about the time between the heart break and the political debates. I don't want to think about the policy behind the paralyzing pain.

I don't want to think about the cop cat killers. I don't want to imagine that there are people in this world who were inspired by this. I don't want to think of all the people out there who need mental help. I don't want those people to feel so miserable that they take it out on the innocent and pure.

But, most of all, I don't want to picture their beautiful faces and know they're lost.



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ASuth said...
Jan. 21 at 1:32 pm:
This piece is really beautifully done. I appreciate how everything is broken down and this piece gives an interesting prespective on the obvious tradegy. Thank you for writing it.
 
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