The Death of Little Green Men

Alright, I have something I feel needs to be said as far as aliens are concerned: They don’t exist. There, I’ve said it. Do with me as you will. (I can already hear hordes of science fiction lovers sharpening their pitchforks and angrily throwing darts at pictures of me in their bedrooms.) Aliens aren’t real. The Big Bang occurred somewhere between 13 and 14 billion years ago. If little green men haven’t invaded our planet yet, they probably won’t be doing so in the near future.
            Besides, have people ever stopped to think about aliens? I mean really think about aliens? As years have advanced and people have become more civilized, they’ve debunked the myth that involves the sun being pulled by chariot across the sky. And –  how amazing –  the world isn’t flat after all! People generally agree that there are no unicorns, dragons, hippogriffs, or mermaids. But ask someone about aliens, and they grow quiet and stare off into the distance thoughtfully. I always want to ask them: What are you telling me? That you think that horses with horns are far more unlikely to ever have existed then tiny green man with huge black eyes who travel in devices shaped like odd bulky Frisbees?
            Ah, the general science fiction lover will point out, but aliens don’t have to look like little green men. They can look just look you or me, they can be miniscule, have scales, be giants, or maybe even breathe fire on every other Sunday. Yeah, sure. And dragons might actually look like ladybugs. Face the facts, people. There hasn’t been one, one, confirmed alien sighting in the history of mankind. There are enough rumors and conspiracy theories to fill every book in the world several times over, but there wouldn’t be one bit of actual proof in those pages. And yet, people continue to believe in alien invasions. Please. Believing in something with no proof to back you up is like believing that the next time you open a jar of jelly a black hole will spontaneously come into existence and destroy the world. Ridiculous? So are stories of little green men.
            At this point, I can tell that alien conspiracy theorists would just love to throw me into a deep pit, preferably with some tigers at the bottom. Yes, they all say, but what about the government? Hmm? What do you say to that? What about Area 51? Yes, what about Area 51? It’s a military base that’s responsible for the development of aircraft and weapons. (But… but…UFO’s! pipe up alien conspiracy theorists.) Saying that UFO’s exist just because the government might be developing unique weapons and aircraft using advanced technology is like saying that submarines were invented for the sole purpose of finding the Loch Ness monster. A doesn’t equal B in this case. And no matter how much one twists the facts, A simply can’t equal B because B doesn’t even exist.
            I think that it’s high time that we stop pointing our telescopes at stars and trying to spot UFO’s in the night sky. Those flashing lights are nothing more than a plane passing overhead. That greenish blur you saw in your backyard this morning was not an alien running at supersonic speeds but a tree branch being tossed in the wind.
            At this point, die-hard alien lovers will take their last stand. That might be all good and well, but are you saying that there is no life in the universe at all? Of course not. I bet there’s life out there somewhere, life in the form of tiny worms or insects. Maybe there’s even a planet full of ladybug dragons and unicorns. But the fact is, they are there and we are here. And besides that point, there are no aliens in the way that we imagine them. There are no green men, there are no tentacled monsters in cylindrical machines, there are no creatures whose brains are on the outside of their heads and whose deepest wish is to gain domination over a rather average blue planet in a rather average solar system that’s warmed by a rather average sun.
            So relax and pack away those tin foil caps. Stop wasting power on satellites whose sole purpose is to find intelligent life. Aliens are not coming over for a visit any sooner than the trolls that live under bridges. And the next time you’re at the park and see an unidentified flying object, jump up and catch it. It’s called a Frisbee.





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