A Solution to Our Economy Woes

April 5, 2012
As a young man interested in his future, I realize that the current state of the economy in the United States is both deplorable and terrifying. Not only that, but both myself and my peers will have an extremely difficult time going through our education and building a career if the market continues the way. That is why, as both a follower of history and of economic patters, I have devised a plan of action that will not only assuredly help the stagnant economy begin to flow, but will also be beneficial to all parties involved.

The other economic crisis in recent history, the Great Depression, was not solved with any stimulus or recovery programs. The one thing that truly helped to alleviate the situation was an equally terrible event: World War II. My theory is that a group of collaborating nations could capitalize on a situation that is nearly the same. Obviously the heavily militarized United States would be foremost on one side of the war, against another country that could benefit equally.

This raises the apparent conundrum of finding an enemy for the U.S. to combat, and making the battles equally supportive to the other country. However, after much thought and consideration, I have devised two appropriate candidates for a fair fight: China and India. Being both of industrial markets and high revenues, they would have the capital to take on the largest military might in the world.

Of course, since we are moving forward in the times, certain conditions would have to be applied to the proposed war. I have long considered this and decided upon six guidelines for massive global warfare.
Take Care Of The Soldiers First. First and foremost, a rule making body composed of wise people, like the Pope and Oprah, would set all rules including, but not limited to: types of weapons allowed, hours of combat per week, recreational activities, dates of conjugal visits, and dental benefits for combatants.
No One Has To Know. So of course, the citizens of the various countries will be none too pleased at a war. Taking this into account, each country will blame the other with certain (false) accusations. A few possible choices are: “They are terrorists,” “They are communists/capitalists,” and “They pose a threat to the free world.”
If You Are Going To Go Rough It, Do It On Someone Else’s Property. One tragedy that occurred in the previous world war was the destruction of important cities. In order to prevent this terrible event from occurring there ought to be a set battleground. I believe the continent that best suits the qualifications of having absolutely nothing important at all is Africa. It also includes all appropriate climates for urban, desert, forest, jungle, beach, ocean, and air combat.
Treat The Ladies With Respect. As in every modern establishment, women are an important part of all dealings. While most of us realize this, there are some who do not respect our female counterparts. Sexual harassment will be dealt with harshly and swiftly, and it will not be tolerated. Our engineers are working on the wrist slapping machine right now.
Go Back To Basics. Fighting used to be a very personal experience. However, with the invention of weapons of mass destruction war has become a very expensive (and short) affair. Just let everyone just shoot at each other like we used to. And if the tedium of being shot at does not suit the soldiers, there is always the possibility of themed battles. With the options of bayonets, maces, or maybe just a friendly paintball match, everyone is a winner.
Play Fair. There will be absolutely no: eye gouging, cheap shots, hair pulling, scratching, biting, screaming, name calling, gambling, gratuitous torture, below-the-belt-kicks, wet willies, tripping, blaming words, slapping, or belittling the other person: we’re all friends here. Sucker punches ARE allowed but highly frowned upon. Remember to always own your own feelings when conversing with the enemy – this means starting sentences with ‘I feel’, not ‘you make me feel’. And remember to always be kind and courteous.

If all of these guidelines are taken into consideration the benefits to both countries would be monumental. The United States would have its huge military put to work and also otherwise useless factories would set to making weapons. The economic stagnation would cease and we would have more pride in our country. Also the U.S. could move troops from the Middle East straight to Africa, thus ending the threatening conflict there. And of course this would give liberals something to complain about and conservatives another reason why we need to keep our guns.

China and India both have a high population density and are currently experiencing overcrowding and hunger issues. As such, a war in which many of the undesirable people could be put on the front lines would help to clear the way for a brighter future. The United States could also partake in this program by inserting their undesirables, the general consensus on these groups being the homeless, elderly, poor, Hispanics, and IRS agents. The other advantage for both of these countries is having the excuse to invent new and terrible weapons. This fills the niche for nuclear physicists that are out of work.

The benefits of this program being numerous and plenty, I expect prompt action regarding my plan of war. We have gone to war for lesser reasons before (although in my opinion disappearing/teleporting weapons of mass destruction are a very scary prospect. They could just sneak right up on you!) These considerations, as well as the thought that many soldiers will have jobs soon and will be going to fight for their country warms my heart. Unfortunately for myself, I am below the age of conscription and as such cannot fight, nor would I be well enough to fight as I cringe at the sight of blood. But my praise and kind thoughts will always be with my compatriots as they fight for our economic prosperity.

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