George W. Bush was actually a genius

November 13, 2009
I had an amazing epiphany the other day as I was sitting on my couch watching the news, George W. Bush was a genius. I was sitting by myself watching a random news anchor from Fox News talking about how the Texas was threatening to secede from the United States of America if Obama did not curve his reckless government spending, and then it hit me. President Bush knew exactly what he was doing the whole time he was in office. He was setting the entire nation up for a time when the state of Texas would actually secede and crown him as the first king of The United States of Texas.

It all makes sense now. He waged an unpopular, unconstitutional war in Iraq to put the country on edge. He spent a much of our tax money as he thought he could get away with, so that the deficit would grow to an all-time high. He even spoke with an accent so ridiculously southern that everyone outside of the state of Texas would start to get tired of it after eight years. Then, in a moment of pure genius, he convinced a smooth talking, young African-American man from Chicago to run for President with an extremely liberal agenda.

He did all this with the hope that during the Obama administration, Texans would get sick and tired of the direction this country was moving in. Then from his ranch in Crawford he could start a grassroots movement to convince his natives to obey their constitutional right, and rebel against the oppressive government. Then as Texas’ favorite son, he would present himself as a perfect candidate to be the supreme ruler of this new and separate nation as they prepared for war.

At this point President Obama would realize that the inevitable war, was not worth the immense bloodshed it would take to keep Texas in the Union (imagine Texas versus Army in a college football game, don’t mess with Texas!).He also realized that this would completely solve the illegal Mexican immigrant problem, so he would allow for Texas to secede from the United States unchallenged. Then he would support a bill in congress to add either the District of Columbia or Puerto Rico as an official state, so that way we would not have to change the flag.

Then Texas would praise George W. Bush as a national hero (a regular George Washington). They would crown him as their king, and Laura Bush as their queen. After years of free market capitalism and limited government interference the Texan economy will be a booming success and the American economy will still be a crippled mess. At this point Texas will begin their own Manifest Destiny campaign, as they start to expand their borders into American soil. President Obama will realize that there is no possible way for us to pay off the massive debt we owe to China so he surrenders this once great nation to Bush and the Texans (Mostly so that Chinese bill collectors will stop calling him at home, while he is trying to eat dinner with his family).

Once the Texans take over, the rest of us will be forced to pack our bags and move to some overcrowded reservations. We will have our land ripped away from us, and the memory of our culture will be all but destroyed. To get back at the Texans we will build big, beautiful casinos and rip off the Texans when they come to gamble.

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Glorvic This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Nov. 19, 2009 at 11:51 pm
Hahaha, funny article! I like all the historical references - Manifest Destiny, Texas secession - clever! The humor is definitely evident in your tone. I had a huge, amused smile on my face the whole time I was reading this ;) great job.
jdeluca said...
Nov. 18, 2009 at 7:18 pm
hehehe i was about to leave a rather nasty comment about your theory until i saw the, "This is meant to be a humorous article, so please do not take it too seriously." for a humorous article it is pretty good.
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