Robots, Take the Wheel

April 30, 2018
By Anonymous

Life is inherently chaotic: deciding what to eat for breakfast, choosing which Pendleton scarf to wear before you post on Instagram, picking up groceries for your vegan dinner, getting the flu before an exam, accidentally spilling lava-temperature Ramen noodle water on your lap, purposely skipping a class at school to chill at Dutch Bros with the homies, writing an angry Tumblr post in vain while huddled up alone in your lonely bedroom, binge-watching Supernatural, wishing you could gaze into Dean’s dreamy eyes forever, creating abhorrent fan-fiction, and interacting with others in similar situations on an everyday basis are all things that inevitably happen in life and are impossible to predict. Decisions that, once made, create alternate dimensions in which you chose another option can be detrimental to your well-being (look up the butterfly effect, bro). It’s sometimes too much to ask whether or not you’d like some ketchup with that or whether or not you’re having a good day (emotions are tough, man). But what if I told you that there’s something that can make life easier? What if I said: “Hey, reader. There’s something that can make life easier for you, me, and everybody.” What would happen if I said that?  I think you would ask me, “What is it?” Well, reader, let me just say that the answer is sitting comfortably in your pocket, and I’m not talking about your stupid JUUL or wadded up receipt from QuikTrip. It could even be in your hands right now. I’m talking about your cellphone—a.k.a. TECHNOLOGY.

In human society, technology has come far, but it hasn’t gone far enough. Technology can solve the terrible problems mentioned earlier, but also many more; it’s the hero we need. All we ought to do is implement it into our lives and make sure the technology has a suitable form. The answer: robots / artificial intelligence. I propose that the only way to control stress and make it easier to choose options that we face in this life is to give 100% of the responsibility to robots.

Picture this: you’re strolling alone on the cracked sidewalk towards the double doors of your local Denny’s. As you approach the entrance, you see a hulking man in his mid-thirties veer toward the entrance to Denny’s too. You’re no physics major, but based on his walking speed and your own, it looks like you’ll reach the door at the same time. You panic. Sweat rolls down your forehead and more gathers in your arm pits. A lump prevents you from swallowing, but that doesn’t matter because by now your mouth is bone-dry. Suddenly, the man boosts his speed and reaches the door moments before you. He opens it with a kind, grandfather-like smile and steps back to let you in. The social fear of opening doors for someone else skews your coherence and destroys your motor skills; you can’t even manage a smile in return. You trudge into the facility without even glancing at the nice fellow, all the while looking like an inconsiderate jerk.

Now imagine the same scenario up to the point where he opens the door for you. Except this time, it’s different—this time you’ve got someone lifting the heavy load for you. That’s right, pal, you’d better believe it. You continue to walk forward but this time you’ve got the confidence; you’ve got a carefree attitude; and more importantly, you’ve got the swagger. On your shoulders rests an industrialized Polite Bot. The bot, using its adaptive vocal program, says to the man, “Thank you very much, kind sir. It is greatly appreciated.” The man (akin to a zombie) stares dully at the floor as his own robot replies to yours “You’re welcome, friend.” The two humans don’t even need to worry about maintaining their manners, making eye contact, or being friendly because, now, their Polite Bots have the responsibility.

Robots aren’t just limited to manners. Are you kidding me? In case you were wondering (which you should be), robots can make choices based on personal customization. You simply input all the data about yourself (including personal attributes, looks, interests, social security, retina ID, blood type, Fortnite landing area preference, and best SpongeBob song) into the central core processor. The data is then analyzed and sent through a network series of high-tech XY_data_servers all the way in Brazil, where it is then analyzed by elementary Java programmers. Okay my dude, I’ll spare you the rest of the tech deets. Either way, by the end of the process the bots should be able to speak for you, choose for you, make friends for you, have fun for you, and more importantly, live life for you.

Robots and their incredible capacity for communication should be taken advantage of. The programs within their fabricated brains execute a near-infinite amount of logic functions and operate perfectly well with choices already, so what’s the harm in giving them control over ourselves? Can you give me an answer to that right now? Never mind, forget it. It’s imperative that we do this transfer process soon, because as the year 2070 approaches, I shudder to think of the consequences that await us if we don’t. Only robots can ease the burdens of life that we all face. Gaining the courage, resolve, and strength to live an independent life just seems like so much work, dude. To be perfectly honest, I’d like to just take a step back and let someone else take over the wheel.  Wouldn’t you?

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