We all have so much we want, and constantly beg for on a daily basis. We all expect or at least hope everything and anything will take the endless path down the way we want it to. So we wish. We dream,we imagine, we ponder from the second we slowly crawl out of our comfy bed in the morning till the very last second before our soft tired eyes struggle to keep open as we tuck ourselves back in bed at the end of our long day.
I don’t want to feel casted away in my own head anymore. I’m nervous to open up to people, and explain my mood and reasonings. I could have millions of tiny, but deep voices screaming intently in my small mind and I still wouldn’t reveal a word. I could have a countless amount of friends to express my thoughts too, but still continue to let it stack up continually in my own head, and let it degrade me gradually. Maybe there’s explanations for why I do this.
I tend to shut myself out, not from reality necessarily, more just from people in general. I keep a reasonable distance and my sharp wired fences up because my fear of getting hurt and ruining myself more throughout the process of opening up to people haunts me daily. I stray far away so they can’t loose pieces of my fractured heart and then just leave me as an incomplete old puzzle on their used shelves like they always have. I’ve partially locked myself away in a 50 story tall castle in the middle of absolutely nowhere, that only every person that has damaged me has the rare key too.
Part of why I feel stuck in my own mind is the fact that I don’t want to tell you. I don’t trust many at all. That’s partly why I don’t give out what processes in my head throughout my personal days to people. After my experiences people have proved to me exactly why I shouldn’t. I don’t fear much besides my own thoughts, big decisions and actions. I fear that when I’m strictly alone in my cold room under my warm blanket at 12:32 pm I overthink too much. I wonder if you feel the same, but I’ll never ask you. I wonder if you ever feel like you're lost in your own mind as well as I am. That I won’t ask that either. I rather not explain myself.
So you explain to me. Tell me if you feel the way I do. If those are the thoughts that arrive in your head at 12:32 pm in your cold room under your fluffy blankets. I don’t long for the basic gift that you have to tear off the sticky scotch tape and over decorated wrapping paper to get too. I crave the gift that last me a whole entire lifetime. If I was granted one gift today, it would be to get all those keys and puzzle pieces back.