In every book and movie about a character that's on this big extraordinary life journey, they always talk about the "next step" whether it's toward a relationship, job, family, or even that character being a better person. Although it looks turbulent and glamorous in movies and tv, in reality the next step is nerve-racking and terrifying especially if you're a 17 year-old trying to figure out your future. It doesn't help that there is an abundance of options out there because it means there's more ways for me to screw up my life.
Ever since I started high school I feel like everything I do, the people I hang out with, the things I enjoy, it's all in anticipation for the future. And I don't want to be afraid of the future, but all that uncertainty makes a girl completely unnerved. But at least I know the basics: I want to go to college, and I eventually want my law degree. But beyond that: I have no clue what I want to do with my life. I know because of said law degree that I must want to be a lawyer. And I while I hope to be a human rights lawyer eventually, it's not all I want to do. I want to write screenplays/stories for the world and I want my doctorate in anthropology. There is just so much I want to do with my life, I don't know if I'll be able to accomplish it all.
But the most unsettling thing about the future and the “next step” is who you become in the process of growing up. The person I was 3 years ago wouldn't recognize the person I am now. I don't think the same, I feel things differently, and despite having no surgeries towards my body or my face, I don't even look the same. (I know that sounds crazy, but I promise it's true) Now that I'm halfway done with my junior year, all I've thinking about is where I go from here. Which college, which degree, which city, etc. It's funny though, whenever I do think about my life and my future, I always get this image of the ocean. How it's calm and serene one moment, and the next it's chaotic and tempestuous. I think that's what the future is. When I know what to do, I'll be calm and at peace, but for now as I navigate and figure out what to do with my life, it’s going to be restless. But at least I know whatever “next step” I do make, it will (hopefully) be the right one.