My entire life has revolved around helping others and making sure they are okay before I even think about myself. However; lately I have started wondering if that is a good idea or not. I’ve been hurt so many times because of this and I know that it’s not going to change with time. But I can’t help but feel that it has too… I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t stand being hurt all the time or feeling like I can trust someone only to have them turn around and stab me in the back. Because of this oI often find myself alone and honestly quite tired. The thing is no one knows what I go through at the end of the day to keep myself from crying myself to sleep. I mean I have friends but most of them have other people to hang out with or other things that keep them from hanging out with me. I don’t blame them for my loneliness either… no I know that that is my fault but somehow I can’t seem to fix it. I am so deep in sadness that there are few things I can find happiness about. When I do find those few rare moments the moment passes after a while. Some part of me wants to change and another part of me can’t imagine a life like that. Like I said I have always put other people before myself so the thought of not doing that… well it scares the living bejeezus out of me.
I know that it probably shouldn’t but I can’t help it. I mean my whole life has been centered around me caring for others before myself. I know that I said that already but it just keep coming back there is no way around my sudden fear of ultimate change. I feel like that if I do change then I will be a completely different person maybe even someone I don’t like. And then what if I want to change back and can’t what if I lose that part of me for good. I know that there is a possibility that that won’t happen but to be completely honest I don’t care. That single fear could rule my whole decision making process and there is nothing anyone could do about it either.