Did you ever have something that you cherished a lot? You loved it so much that every thought, every thing you did, every moment of your life was revolving around it? Or at the thought of it? It sucks right? You were so consumed by it that you thought it will always be yours forever. And not a force in this world can take that away from you. You are so sure that whatever happens it'll comeback to you. You have convinced yourself you can't live without it. You cant go a day or second of your life without seeing it or without thinking about it. It is always there in your head circling. Then you become even more obsessed that you now imagine your future on it's basis. It's like a drug that you cannot get off. A road without an end. A dream from which you can't wake up.
Then suddenly one day, you wake up and it's not there. You searched for it everywhere. But you can't find it. You start asking yourself "Where could it go? It's a part of me as I am a part of it. Come Back!! Come Back I say!! You can't leave me! You have to come back!! You are mine! " But nothing happens. Everything is as the way it was. Time goes by. Friends, family tries to convince you to let it go. They assure you that you will get something like that again. They tell stories about people who have lost much valuable and precious things than you. But what they don't understand or even try to glimpse is that you are not them. What happened to you is not like what has happened to other people. What happen to you was true. What happened to you was not right. But no one understands. They just start calling you mad or obsessed. Yes you are obsessed, yes you are mad for it. But you are helpless. You know it's there somewhere but you cant do anything to get it back. It's like water. You can feel it, you can touch it but you cant hold it in your hands. It just slips away. This is when people realize what true pain, what true desperation, what true frustration feels like and how helpless a person can become when prayers dont work when even God wont help you.
So now what do you do? You start to create an illusion in your mind. You know you are never getting it back. You know it for sure that it's never coming back to you whatever you've lost, still knowing that you create an image in your mind. You talk to it every moment. It tells you what to do in order to get it's real self back to you. Well you know your subconscious is just making these stuff up but still you follow it because you have no other way than this. This is the only consolation you can give your soul. A beautiful lie called Hope. Soon before you even realize it you make it your purpose. Now you have gone too deep in to the illusion you created. You can just be anything there. You have your "precious" there with you. You have accepted your illusion as your reality. Everything is going so well.
Then you see something with another person. It looks so familiar. So known to you. "Wait...how can it be? It's here with me. So how can it be with another person?" Your dream world shatters.
Tears. Yeah tears are now rolling down your eyes. You try to distract youself with work. But your purpose? You purpose ,your reason ,you existence was only for her. She defined your very being. She was your only identity. You loved her so much that she was your entire world. And you lost her. You lost her to yourself. Because ? You dont even know why you lost her. You just did. She has made a mark in your life. A mark you can't ever erase. A pain you can't ever forget. At the end of the day when you close your eyes. You mind opens again. Making a presence known. "I am here."