A Modest Proposal: A Satirical Solution for Pokemon GO

November 11, 2016
By , New York City, IL



It is a melancholy object to talk about the tragic accidents that have been taking place because of a mobile phone game. The problem being ignored will allow more accidents to take place, which include car accidents, crime, and trespassing mishaps.

I think it is agreed by all parties that the life-threatening occurrence of this social issue is the fact that there are many unsafe distracted drivers whose main priority is seeking virtual monsters rather than paying attention to the road. If the solution is not found for these reckless drivers, more people will be in peril everyday. Someone who can find a solution should be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, since obviously it has been difficult to find one right now. 

But my intention is far from being confined to provide only for the betterment of the convenience of the players, by enhancing the virtual experience and eliminating their distracted driving at the same time so that they can “catch em’ all!” safely.

As to my own part, I have studied proposals of other projectors, and concluded that they are not nearly as efficient as they claim to be. Public announcements about distracted driving are not doing the trick. ThumbSocks, an absurd invention by some kids are just way too wacky to be used to prevent distracted driving. They are more useless than a box of rotten Milk Duds. These strategies have shown to be failing,  since accidents related to Pokemon GO have not been declining whatsoever, with  113,000 social media messages in 10 days that showed people getting into potentially unsafe traffic situations(Chen). My solution will decrease these accidents, since it will decrease the distractions around the player while he/she is seeking these valuable virtual critters and monsters.

I will now present my own idea, which I hope will not subject to any disagreement.

I humbly offer it to public consideration that humankind as a cohesive and cooperative unit, should start the mass creation of a new type of vehicle, the Pokemon Go vehicle, or the Pokemon GOCATCHEMALL.

In this scenario the Pokemon GOCATCHEMALL will be introduced to a company of some sort. They will for sure be interested in the new concept, and will start mass producing the vehicle. This vehicle will be cheap and easy to manufacture, since it is designed to only fit one player. Since it only fits one person, the vehicle will be very small, like a golf cart, with a sleek and thin design.

Of course, this mass production will lead to the players actually purchasing the Pokemon GOCATCHEMALL, after it has been advertised to the public, of course. These players can now use a hands-free car that will safely drive the players around while they capture all of the valuable critters. The technology behind this car is that it has a camera in front, and a worker for Niantic, the creators of Pokemon GO, will drive you around as if you were in a remote controlled car as the car controller. I see nothing that could go wrong with this innovative concept.

These drastic and sudden changes may be hard to implement into society at first. Many might shrug it off, but later on many players will see the benefits of the Pokemon GOCATCHEMALL, since it will enhance their playing experience, while doing it safely, of course.

I can think of no valid objection that may be introduced to antagonize this proposal. The Pokemon GOCATCHEMALL is very small and is very unsafe for car crashes, but since Niantic will find qualified car-controllers for driving the players around, no car crashes will ever happen. This is because it is so much easier to have a car-controller drive your vehicle around while you play this beloved game, instead of setting the phone down and driving yourself, which is way too complicated.

Again, no one should dare to suggest these notions to me until they have a small spark of hope that these actions may be implemented.

It is not that I do not respect the input of others on the subject of solutions to this topic, but simply that I have been researching these tragic accidents ever since the release of this game. After seeing how this game was affecting people, I knew I had to get out and make a change to make sure the players are playing the game safely. All other solutions are not viable, since they are merely reminders and silly inventions, while the Pokemon GOCATCHEMALL is an actual tangible concept that can be applied to the whole Pokemon gaming population, since it is totally cheap and practical.

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